/**************************************************************************/ /* Favorite quotes from "The Dilbert Principle" */ /**************************************************************************/ I have developed a sophisticated theory to explain the existence of this bizarre workplace behavior: People are idiots. Important scientists have done studies* proving... *They were important scientists, but no so important that I would remember their names and not so important that you'd care. But I'm sure it's true because I read it in a magazine. We expect others to act rationally even though we are irrational. The basic concept of the Dilbert Principle is that the most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management. A Mission Statement is defined as "a long awkward sentence that demonstrates management's inability to think clearly." All good companies have one. You've heard the saying that if you put a thousand monkeys in a room with a thousand typewriters and waited long enough, eventually you would have a room full of dead monkeys. (Tip: It's a good idea to feed monkeys.) Great Lies Of Management 1. Employees are our most valuable asset. 2. I have an open-door policy. 3. You could earn more money under the new plan. 4. We're reorganizing to better serve our customers. 5. The future is bright. 6. We reward risk-takers. 7. Performance will be rewarded. 8. We don't shoot the messenger. 9. Training is a high priority. 10. I haven't heard any rumors. 11. We'll review your performance in six months. 12. Our people are the best. 13. Your input is important to us. By definition, risk-takers often fail. So do morons. In practice, it's difficult to sort them out. Your simpleminded relatives were technically correct when they told you "Two wrongs don't make a right." What they failed to mention is that two wrongs can sometimes cancel each other out, and although it's not as good as a "right" it's much better than one wrong. There is nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot. Any time you use a computer it looks like "work" to the casual observer. Most of the meaningless assignments go to people who are unfortunate enough to fall into one of these categories: * The person who sits closest to the boss's office. * The first person who asks a related question. * The next person who enters the boss's office. To an outsider, the entire discipline of marketing might seem like it could be summarized by the following concept: If you lower the price you can sell more units. All successful advertising campaigns that target men include one of these two messages: 1. This product will help you get dates with bikini models. 2. This product will save you time and money, which you'll need if you want to date bikini models. Your advertising message must appeal to women's greater range of intellectual interests and aesthetic preferences. Specifically, your message has to say this: 1. If you buy this product you'll be a bikini model. Problems you create Market opportunity Write bad software Sell upgrades Build undependable products Sell service warranties Tell people they stink Sell deodorant You'll hardly ever find a consultant who recommends that you keep everything the same and stop wasting money on consultants. Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. Every engineer dreams about saving the universe and having sex with aliens. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would perfer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineerlike children who will have high paying jobs long before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Female engineers become irrestible at the age of consent and remain that way until thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day. "Welcome to sales training. As you know, our company makes overpriced, inferior products. We try to compensate by setting high sales quotas. We don't ask you to act illegally, but it's pretty much the only way to reach quota. Okay, that's it for training. Any questions?" The word "leader" is derived from the word "lead", as in the material that bullets are made out of. The term "leader" was popularized at about the same time as the invention of firearms. It grew out of the observation that the person in charge of every organization was the person whom everyone wanted to fill with hot lead. It's an age-old question: Are leaders born or made? And if they're made, can we return them under warranty?