%
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled
was convincing the world he didn't exist."
%
In 200 years we've gone from 'I regret that I have but one life to give
for my country' to 'up yours'?
%
CAUTION: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
%
I'm frightened. Human beings get frightened. Didn't your alien leaders
teach you that BEFORE THEY SENT YOU HERE?!?
%
For some people to get an idea, it would require surgical intervention
%
Looks like we're gonna need some more FBI guys.
%
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand."
  -- Homer Simpson 
%
Dont meddle in the affairs of dragons.
For thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
%
Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a
       sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
%
Reporter: Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space?
Homer: I'll handle this... the only danger in space is if we land on the
terrible Planet of the Apes... wait a minute. Statue of Liberty.........
THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL
TO HELL! (Starts sobbing uncontrollably) 
%
Ahhh... sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it? 
  -- Homer Simpson
%
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll notice,
I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things
lately, that should more than make up the difference." 
%
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I
realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole
one and asked him to forgive me. 
%
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else! 
%
I'd rather she'd used me for sex.  Using me for my mind really bothered me.
%
I used to have a handle on life. Then it broke. 
%
It's good to be the king.
  -- Mel Brooks, History of the World Part 1
%
I'm not going to my high school reunion.  If I want to see my former
classmates, I'll order a pizza delivery.
%
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
   This is a test of the emergency signature system.  Were this an actual
   signature, you would see amusing mottos, disclaimers, a zillion net
   addresses, or edifying philisophical statements.  This is only a test.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
%
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be
when you kill them.
%
I too seek the light, so long as it tastes great and is not too filling.
%
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've
         been kicked in the head like this before.
%
Reality is just Chaos with better lighting.
%
I said perhaps and thats final.
%
Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
%
It's not who you kill. It's what type of cereal you eat out of their skull.
%
Eggs are basically cheese that comes from chickens.
%
I don't live in fantasy; I only work there.
%
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
It's already tomorrow in Australia!
  -- Charles Schultz
%
It is with deepest regrets we must inform you that you're a weenie.
%
Reincarnation: life sucks, then you die. Then life sucks again.
%
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.
%
"Are you nuts?"
"Nope, just insane!"
%
It's not Beavis and Butthead's fault that their viewers are as
stupid as they are.
%
If Q were castrated would he become...O???
%
God created the world in six days and rested on the seventh, eighth,
ninth, tenth and by the time he eventually got home, Mrs God was very
pissed off.
%
You don't have to be insane to work here, but it helps.
%
Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.
  -- A tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard
     Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees.
%
If you put a thousand monkeys in a room with a thousand typewriters and
waited long enough.....eventually you will have a room full of dead monkeys.
%
To be an Eagle is great.  To help another Eagle get his wings is unsurpassable.
%
I'm the keeper of the cheese, and you're the lemon merchant!
  -- Peter, a.s.r.
%
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
%
PBS is free because it sucks.
  -- Johnny Blue Jeans, Viva Variety
%
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
%
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that
cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong
goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.
  -- Douglas Adams
%
Conserve oxygen...SHUT UP!
%
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
%
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
%
The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.
%
Blessed are they who go Go Around in Circles,
for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
%
Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.
  -- Mark Twain
%
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
%
All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or it won't.
%
SEMINARS:  from 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
%
The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously.
  -- Hubert Humphrey
%
OSHA has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is two
persons at one time--unless I install handrails or safety straps.  As you
have arrived sixth in line to ride my ass today, please take a number and
wait your turn.  Thank you.
%
Politics: Poli (many) - tics (blood sucking parasites) 
%
You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless its been mailed.
%
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! 
%
This is brain surgery, not rocket science!  Hand me that ice cream scoop.
  -- Mr. Burns
%
Brain over - Insert coin 
%
Breathing may be hazardous to your health. 
%
Gravity is a myth. The earth sucks. 
%
I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof! 
%
Kill them all! ... Let God sort them out. 
%
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong. 
%
If Clinton is the answer it must been a stupid question.
%
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
%
I may be fat, but your ugly - I can lose weight!   
%
Assassins do it from behind!   
%
Old musicians don't die...they just decompose.
%
Jesus is coming, look busy.
%
To Err is human, to forgive is simply not our policy.
%
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept.
A student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly.
"So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school."
%
Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
%
Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
%
"So what are we, are we screwed?"
"No, we're so far past screwed, that we'd be lucky to only be screwed."
%
Kids are punks.  I know... I was one once.  But I never bragged about being
an op.  I think those are the kids who make up for their deficiency in social
interaction by hiding in cyber space.  Then they play it off like they're
special.  They are the ones who end up in jail or flunk out of CIS cause they
forget how to spell C++.
  -- Mike Wunderlich
%
God made the idiot for practice, then he made the school board.
  -- Mark Twain
%
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
%
The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
%
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
%
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
%
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
%
People who do stupid things with hazardous materials often die.
  -- Jim Davidson on alt.folklore.urban
%
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.
%
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
%
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" 
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
%
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals;
I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  -- A. Whitney Brown
%
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
%
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
  -- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
On one occasion a student burst into his office.  "Professor Stigler, 
I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."  To which Stigler 
replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the 
University will allow me to award."
%
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" 
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
  -- Charlie Brown
%
Support evolution!  Electrify the gene pool's fence!
%
When the DM is smiling, you know its too late.
%
I look at the roses through world colored glasses.
%
I support gun control.  Last year more people were killed by guns than
car accidents.  I believe this trend will continue, until we develop a
more accurate automobile.
  -- Jonathan Katz
%
Child birth classes are great places to meet chicks, if you're into the
full figured girl.  And you can be reasonabilly sure these girls puts out.
  -- Jonathan Katz
%
Look, can we just be friends?
  -- Every woman, at least once
%
Socialist Gun Control: The Government buys guns for everyone.
%
I'm telling everyone the world will end in year 2000.
My compelling logic is that 2000 is a big, round number.
  -- Dogbert
%
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is
no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
%
She was cute enough, but sex with mentally
incapacitated people is illegal in this state.
   -- Joe, a.s.r.
%
The monster is heading towards the water tower.
He is carrying a small asparagus.
   -- Larryboy, Veggie Tales
%
If I were, I would be looking up from a pool of blood
and hearing (my wife ask), 'How do I reload this thing?' 
  -- House Majority Leader Dick Armey (R), quoted in The Washington Post,
     after he was asked what he would do if he were in Clinton's position.
%
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new
boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad.
  -- Christopher Case 
%
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police,
put down the video camera and come help me.
  -- Bobcat Goldthwait
%
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Kuwait.
  -- A. Whitney Brown 
%
And just what's wrong with carrying a kitana strapped to my back, officer?
Well, besides that little accident in the elevator.
  -- Jeremy Monin
%
I like to con people... and I like to insult people.
 If you combine con and insult, you get 'consult'.
  -- Dogbert
%
That Was Zen; This Is Tao
%
Aliens Abducted Me, Laser-Photographed My Internal Organs,
Dropped Me Off in a Crop Circle, and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt
%
Life isn't like a box of chocolates. Where'd you get a stupid idea
like that? Saw it in a movie somewhere?
  -- Jeremy Monin
%
Taxation WITH Representation Isn't So Hot, Either
%
Democracy Is Mob Rule with Income Taxes
%
Mothers of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young
%
All I Ask Is That You Treat Me No Differently Than You Would the King
%
Jeremy: "I'm holding a sharp object...where should I put it?"
Mike: "Down."
%
Help wanted, telepath:  you know where to apply.
%
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
%
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
%
I'm just driving this way to piss you off. 
%
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
offered: entertainment, food, and affection.  It is customary to begin
a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
of food, and the merest suggestion of affection.  As the amount of
affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
  -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour
%
Final exam question:
"Is the best part of waking up really Folgers in your cup?  Provide either
a comprehensive proof of the above, or a definitive counter-example." 
%
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. 
%
"Winston You Are Drunk"  -- Lady Astor 
"Yes my dear, but you are ugly, and in the morning I shall be sober" 
  -- Winston Churchill 
 %                   
Don't try to solder batteries together unless Really Necessary.
  -- adep
%
If you can't beat 'em, arrange to have them beaten.
  -- George Carlin
%
The nice thing about driving a tank is you can pull up
to a toll booth and say NO.
  -- Paras
%
Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people.
%
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot
but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
  -- Groucho
%
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
  -- Groucho
%
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
  -- Mr. Wilson from Dennis the Menance
%
While preceding your entrance with a grenade is a good tactic in Quake,
it can lead to problems if attempted at work.
%
Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense.
%
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
  -- Dean Martin
%
If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can
result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it.
  -- Origional Murphy's Law
%
If everyone has a soulmate, with my luck it's the wrong planet.
%
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
%
Don't get mad.  Get covered in blood as you disembowel your
enemies with a chainsaw.
%
What color is the sky in your world?
%
The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph
is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in
Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat.
  -- Albert Einstein
%
Einstein himself said that God doesn't roll dice. But he was wrong.
And in fact, anyone who has played role-playing games knows that God
probably had to roll quite a few dice to come up with a character
like Einstein.
  -- Larry Wall
%
Are you okay?  You look like somebody who just ran out of ammo.
  -- Kobie Horne
%
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work.
  -- Gallagher
%
If ultima taught me nothing it's that even the best weapon sucks
in the hands of a level 1 player.
  -- Mike Penz Jr.
%
Sometimes you suspect people study history just
so they _can_ repeat the mistakes.
  -- Ernest Sibert
%
Don't attempt to understand the stuff in the final, just do it.
  -- John McDonald
%
Yes, this is my son tielsei.  It means apocalypse in swahili.
  -- Mike DeMaria, in reference to what Jon Cheney's son will be named.
%
In any case, it's probably really unproper english.
  -- Jeremy Monin
%
Snakes don't have arms.  That's why they don't wear vests.
 -- Steven Wright
%
I always figure participating in surveys is a
golden opportunity to skew statistics.
  -- Jeremy Monin
%
There's NO WAY you can test that.
  -- John McDonald
%
Relationships never work out, you just get married
%
Talk is cheap, but ammo is cheaper
%
I am dyslexic of Borg.  Your ass will be laminated.
%
This is wrong on so many levels, it has its own parking garage.
  -- Jeremy Monin
%
The Potion of Fiery Blood...can that be made into a fruit punch?
  -- Larry Schiller on role playing
%
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally 
walk through into another dimension.
  -- Steven Wright
%
Today, I measured the breadbox.
Henceforth, for any item to be "bigger than a breadbox"
Its dimensions must exceed 11x11x17 inches.  Thank you.
  -- Adep
%
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
  -- George Carlin
%
Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it!
%
But that's just my two cents in a declining economy.
  -- Dan Chin
%
Never frighten a little man.  He'll kill you.
  --Lazarus Long
%
"A penny for your thoughts?"
"A dollar for your death."
%
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts.
They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets
out of play-dough.
  -- Steven Wright
%
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
%
Do married women make the best wives?
%
The bearing of a child takes nine months,
no matter how many women are assigned to the project.
%
God did not create the world in seven days.
He partied for six and then pulled an all-nighter.
%
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
%
I wonder if the best time to contemplate the meaning of life is when
you know you probably won't remember it in the morning...
  -- Jeremy Monin
%
Anthony's Law of Force:
  Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
%
The New Math Version of Murphy's Law:
  If there is a 50/50 chance of something going wrong,
  nine times out of ten it will.
%
If A equals success, then the formula is:  A = X + Y + Z
X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
  -- Albert Einstein
%
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words,
there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government
regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
%
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.
  -- Elayne Boosler 
%
We've broken through the space-time continuum and now
we're passing the savings on to *you*!
%
Life Is Pain, Highness.  Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.
    -- The Dread Pirate Wesley, The Princess Bride
%
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
%
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
%
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer.
It was made of grass.
  -- Steven Wright
%
I'd like to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and
stick it on a pike as a warning to the next ten generations that some favors
come with too high a price.  I would look up into your lifeless eyes and wave
like this.  Can you and your associates arrange that for me Mr. Morden?
  -- Vir Cotto, In the Shadow of Z'ha'dum, Babylon 5
%
There is no better counter for the people who play crappy music way to loud,
than to play classical music equally loud.
  -- Mike DeMaria
%
Understanding is a three-edged sword.
  -- Kosh, Babylon 5
%
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
%
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
%
Hey, YOU <blam><blam><blam><blam><blam> <reload> never mind.
%
Why does anti-ageing cream have a sell-by date?
%
Knebel's Law: It is now proven beyond doubt that smoking
is one of the leading causes of statistics.
%
If I ever am in a position to have a building named after me
I will change my name to Dountha....Room 213, Dountha Hall.
  -- Adep
%
I have a really bad record with objects.
  -- Rowan
%
Bart, stop pestering Satan.
  -- Marge Simpson
%
May the best things in your life become the worst things in your life.
  -- An Irish toast
%
Don't make me come down there!
  -- God
%
From: sibert
   To: Cis252@listserv.syr.edu
   Subj: Grade report

   Your grade is a B, plus or minus 0.5 of a grade.
   If you missed test 1, read the next message.


From: sibert
   To: Cis252@listserv.syr.edu
   Subj: Grade report

   You fail.  Please read the previous message.
   See, thats a recursive procedure.  You should of studied that.
%
Hey!  I solve algebra equations by chewing bubblegum.
  -- Silby, in reference to the song "Sunscreen"
%
Ice cubes are only acceptable in a food fight
when you're trying to hurt people.
  -- Mike DeMaria
%
I'll get a life when someone demonstrates that it would be
superior to what I have now.
  -- Gym Quirk
%
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
%
Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.
  -- Carlson's Consolation
%
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
  -- Nigel Rees
%
Absence of proof is not proof of absence.
  -- Michael Crichton
%
You're only ugly on the outside.
  -- Dogbert
%
Preserve wildlife: Pickle a squirrel
%
In 1750 Isaac Newton became discouraged when he
fell up a flight of stairs.
%
Your cooperation is appreciated, but unexpected.
  -- M*A*S*H PA announcement
%
Titanic...it sank.  Get over it.
%
It's a show, it's a show.  It's a stupid show, but it's a show.
  -- Jerry Springer, about his own show
%
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English,
a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as
Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no
language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from
the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right".
%
Scattered showers my ass.
  -- Noah
%
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
%
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says, What is this, some kind of joke?
%
The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception
is being carried out.
  -- George Carlin
%
This is European disco.
  -- Les Padzik, on Cher's song "Believe"
%
...A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
have turned into a pile of dust.
%
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
  -- Bill Vaughan
%
A day without sunshine is like night.
%
A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I'm afraid of widths.
  -- Steve Wright
%
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
that the system works.
%
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
%
According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to
live in America is the city of Pittsburgh.  The city of New York came
in twenty-fifth.  Here in New York we really don't care too much.
Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.
  -- David Letterman
%
After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven.
As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and
turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
to be created."

"This is true," He replied.

"He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.

"What!  You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for the
right to make his laws?"

"Oh, no!"  Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make his own."

It was so granted.
  -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
%
Air is water with holes in it.
%
"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please
raise their right hands."
  -- Saint Patrick
%
Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
%
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but
is always polite to traffic cops.
%
An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
%
Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:

(1) None.  (Moses didn't have an ark).
(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
(3) I don't know.
(4) Who cares?
(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3).  Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
    Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
    book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
    bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
    Papyrus Books).
%
Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
%
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight
of a police car is probably parked.
%
Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
%
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
%
"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed
so I could coast to the nearest gas station."
%
I just want *one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear
"On the other hand", again.
%
Did you know...That no-one ever reads these things?
%
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
  -- Elliot, "E.T."
%
If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
%
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer
in schools will be temporarily canceled.
%
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
  -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
%
It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for
five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity.  But
it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
%
It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny.
%
Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace
that wasn't immune to bullets.
  -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
%
Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment
had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate.  I told this to
my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'
  -- Steven Wright
%
Lewis's Law of Travel:
The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
%
Linus:  I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.
Maybe we should think only about today.

Charlie Brown: No, that's giving up.  I'm still hoping that yesterday
will get better.
%
Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve him.
Nasrudin said, "First things first.  Did you see me walk into your shop?"
"Of course."
"Have you ever seen me before?"
"Never."
"Then how do you know it was me?"
%
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but
if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
  -- Abraham Lincoln
%
Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
%
OK, so you're a Ph.D.  Just don't touch anything.
%
Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
  -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
%
Peanut Blossoms

4 cups sugar           16 tbsp. milk
4 cups brown sugar     4 tsp. vanilla
4 cups shortening      14 cups flour
8 eggs                 4 tsp. soda
4 cups peanut butter   4 tsp. salt

Shape dough into balls.  Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes.  Immediately top each cookie with a
Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie.  Makes a
hell of a lot.
%
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
%
Power corrupts.  Absolute power is kind of neat.
  -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987
%
Q:  What's a light-year?
A:  One-third less calories than a regular year.
%
QUOTE OF THE DAY:
'
%
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when
he has a hole in his head.
%
The light you see at the end of the tunnel
is the headlamp of a fast approaching train.
%
If you are going to skip a class, it is generally considered not nice
to let the professor pass you on the Quad walking in the opposite
direction of the classroom.
It is also rude not to at least say "Hi" if you do.
  -- Mike DeMaria
%
We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one
technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
%
You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
%
Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring
only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a
clogged toilet.  In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems,
such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the radio.  But
before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how plumbing works.

 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, except
that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, it has
pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets and toilets.
So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at all like your
electrical system, which is good, because electricity can kill you.
  -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
Anyone know why a bulbitz looks more like donagerti than populintinos?
%
Two quotes diverged in a wood, and I used the same quote about individuality
as everyone else, and that has made all the difference.
%
I'll never get off this planet.
  -- Luke Skywalker
%
I'm very passive agressive.
%
101 unpleasant hangover experiences, number 72: trying to put your clothes on
and they won't stop moving by themselves.  I hate that.
  -- Tom Yates, a.s.r.
%
What good is money if you can't inspire terror in your fellow man?
  -- Mr. Burns, The Simpsons
%
Presented in Double Vision
      (Where Drunk)
  -- From the opening to Futurama
%
"An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs."
  -- Mitch Hedberg
%
"Wait!  Stop!  You don't know what you're doing!"
"That's never stopped me before."
"Nooo...aggghhhhh..."
%
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
%
"What's the matter Colonel Sanders...chicken?"
  -- Dark Helmet, Spaceballs
%
"No light speed is too slow.  We must go right to...ludicrous speed!"
  -- Dark Helmet, Spaceballs
%
"You know something princess...you are ugly when you're angry."
  -- Lonestar, Spaceballs
%
Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button.
This ship will self-destruct in three minutes.

This ship will self-destruct in twenty seconds.
This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.
  -- Spaceballs
%
"It's MegaMaid...she's gone from suck to blow."
  -- Colonel Sanders, Spaceballs
%
Self-Destruct button.  Don't press unless you really, really mean it.
  -- Spaceballs
%
Now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.
  -- Dark Helmet, Spaceballs
%
Chopping off heads is much more fun than lethal injection.
  -- Joe Thompson, a.s.r.
%
Whenever things aren't going quite right at work and I need a little
inspiration, I like to repeat to myself, "Rome did not create a great empire
by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them"...
%
I have a friend who's successfully taken people home with the line
"Come home with me, baby, my bed is made of cheese."
  -- Thorfinn, in a.s.r.
%
"Its definitely healthier than McDonalds"
 -- In reference to a new fast food place opening on Marshall Street

"Evrything is healthier than McDonalds.  Burger King is healther
than McDonalds, and thats not saying much."
  -- Mike DeMaria, in reply
%
If it can't be fixed with duct tape and a crowbar, it can't be fixed.
%
If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
%
There is always a way, and it ususally doesn't work.
%
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
%
Being redundant just means being really sure of yourself.
  -- Matthew Lammers, a.s.r.
%
Once you pull the pin, Mr. Grenade is no longer your friend.
%
Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be canceled.
  -- M*A*S*H PA announcement
%
Attention all personnel. Due to circumstances beyond our control,
lunch will be served today. 
  -- M*A*S*H PA announcement
%
Attention all personnel.  Attention.  The eagle screams today.
It's payday.  All personnel will kindly form an orderly stampede.
  -- M*A*S*H PA announcement
%
He is trying to reinvent the wheel using a square.
  -- Mike DeMaria
%
Mike:  This first half has been one sided all the way, wouldn't you say Randy?
Randy: One sided is absolutely right Mike, but they can't let up.  Now is the
       time for the killer instinct.  You got somebody down, don't hit him,
       kick him its easier.
  -- Mike Patrick and Randy Cross, commentary from NFL QuaterBack Club 99,
     for the Nintendo64 by Acclaim
%
Larry: What are we trying to listen to?
Mike: White noise. It's the white version of rap.
  -- Mike DeMaria, on bad radio reception in the Foundry
%
Are you cheating? No? You really should. It's fun.
  -- Mike DeMaria
%
You know it's been one of those days when your straightedge vegan
friend asks you if you'd like a drink.
  -- Adam Ferguson
%
Evolving is God's way of debugging
  -- Mike DeMaria
%
Why can't my room be made out of white board?
  -- Mike DeMaria
%
Stupidity is not an excuse.
  -- Judge Judy
%
Freedom is not the ability to do what we want,
but to be able to do what we ought.
  -- Pope John Paul II.
%
Many Americans vote without knowing what they are really doing. The theory
that "One vote does not make a difference" is not true. Every vote is golden
and important.  Although literally one vote does not make a difference, one
vote, as a part of one million votes does make a difference.
  -- Michael DeMaria
%
When the pledge comes on, some students act as if it is the hardest thing
in the world to do. There are the extremely lazy that do not even stand up.
They go about their business as if nothing is going on. Other students drag
themselves to their feet. These students then either continue talking to their
friends or attempt to place their hand over their heart, but it really hangs
near the stomach. A homeroom turns into a room full of cripples with ulcers.
It definately does not bring a tear to the eye.
  -- Michael DeMaria, on high school patriotism
%
So your the first female captain, and you're lost?
  -- Conan O'Brien interviewing Captain of Voyager, Kate Mulgrew
%
Betcha your [neighborhood] association's charter says nothing about a
roofpeak-mounted motion-tracking autocannon.

Mine doesn't, either.
  -- Carl Jacobs on annoying neighbors
%
For best results, squeeze tube from the bottom and flatten as you go up.
%
Great men do not seek power, they have power thrust upon them.
  -- Kahless, of the Klingon Empire
%
Blood is thicker than water.
But the goldfish don't seem to like it as much.
%
You, you, and you: Panic. The rest of you, come with me.
%
If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. 
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.
%
He is YOUR god, they are YOUR rules, YOU burn in hell.
%
Never piss off the military.  They have guns and bombs 
and napalm and can take you out from orbit.
  -- Mike DeMaria
%
Your logic fails due to noncontinuous stupidity chain association rule.
  -- Mike DeMaria, fighting 2:00 AM logic
%
First it was gold beavers, now it's stone pigeons!
WHY DON'T YOU GET A REAL JOB???
  -- Freakazoid, to a mad scientist
%
Nice guys finish last.  That's why women like them in bed.
%
Dogbert: "I realized that what's inside a person doesn't count
          because no one can see it."
Dilbert: "I didn't realize you were such a philosopher."
Dogbert: "That's my point!"
%
If you want to mess with someone that's high, just move really fast.
  -- Sinbad
%
On a long enough time line everyone's chances of survival drop to zero
  -- Tyler Durgen
%
Why worry?  Each of us is wearing an unlicensed
nuclear accelerator on his back.              
  -- Dr. Peter Venkman, Ghostbusters
%
If someone asks if you're a god you say YES.
 -- Winston, Ghostbusters
%
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
%
Mr. Spock, the women on your planet are logical.
It is the only planet in the universe that can make that claim.
  -- Captain Kirk to Spock, on women.
%
My ultimate goal, I want to parody a Wierd Al song.
  -- Mike DeMaria
%
Mousetrap.  I wanted to play Mousetrap.  You roll your dice,
you move your mice, nobody gets hurt.
  -- Bob the Tomato, VeggieTales
%
jeremy:  i meant the marshmallow ones
matted:  peeps!
demaria: now in 3 colors
matted:  pink blue and yellow
demaria: maybe green on the way?
jeremy:  icky.
         food shouldn't be green
demaria: The vegetarian...saying food shouldn't be green.
         Sorry, I just can't help finding humor in that.

  -- Chatroom, Jan 28 2000
%
Hello, you have reached the offices of McClintock and McClintock.
If you're calling for McClintock press 1.
If you're calling for the other McClintock press 2.
If you're calling for customer service press 3.
If you're not calling for customer service or for either of the McClintocks
please go out in your backyard and hit yourself in the head with a hammer now.
If you don't have a hammer press 4.
If you don't have a backyard press 5.
If you don't have a head press 6.
If you're just calling to annoy us, please wait for the beep, then hang up.
BEEP.
  -- You Don't Hear Jack, Berkeley Systems
%
"This town needs an enema."
  -- The Joker, from Batman (1989)
%
"I know what you're thinking - 'Did he fire six shots or only five?'
Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kind of lost
track myself.  But, being this a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun
in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask
yourself one question - 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?" 
  -- Harry Callahan, Dirty Harry
%
Dr. Ray Stanz: This is a major disgrace. Forget MIT or Stanford, now.
They wouldn't touch us with a 10-meter cattle prod. 

Dr. Peter Venkman: You're always so concerned about your reputation.
Einstein did his best stuff when he was working as a patent clerk! 

Stanz: You know how much a patent clerk earns? 

Venkman: No! 

Aykroyd: Personally, I liked the University.  They gave us money and
facilities, we didn't have to produce anything. You've never been out
of college, you don't know what it's like out there. I've worked in
the private sector. They expect results. 
  -- From Ghostbusters
%
Stanz: I think we better split up. 
Spengler: Good idea. 
Venkman: Yah, we can do more damage that way. 
  -- Ghostbusters
%
Listen!  You smell something?
  -- Dr. Ray Stanz, Ghostbusters
%
Spengler: There's something very important I forgot to tell you. 

Venkman: What? 

Spengler: Don't cross the streams. 

Venkman: Why? 

Spengler: That would be bad. 

Venkman: I'm fuzzy on the whole good-bad thing. Whatta ya mean bad? 

Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously
and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light. 

Stanz: Total protonic reversal. 

Venkman: Alright, that's bad. Ok, alright, important safety tip. Thanks, Egon. 
  -- Ghostbusters
%
All the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.
  -- Rick Blaine, Casablanca
%
If you don't get in that plane you'll regret it.  Maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
  -- Rick Blaine, Casablanca
%
Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
  -- Rick Blaine, Casablanca
%
Did you ever dance with the devil in the pale moon light?
  -- The Joker, Batman (1989)
%
"What is your major malfunction, Numbnuts?"
  -- Full Metal Jacket 
%
"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die."
  -- The Princess Bride
%
"Ya know I'm not as stupid as you look."
  -- Stan Laurel
%
Stupid rules are meant to be broken.
  -- Colonel Potter, M*A*S*H
%
You know why we have the Second Amendment?
In case the government ignores the first one.
  -- Rush Limbaugh, 1993
%
We can be knowledgeable with other men's knowledge,
but we cannot be wise with other men's wisdom.
  -- Michel Eyquem De Montaigne
%
He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he
must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven.
  -- Edward Herbert
%
Ahhh with friends like this who needs the mob.
  -- Kobie Horne
%
Live from New York...it's Saturday night!
%
The absence of any evidence serves to show just how damn good the coverup is.
%
You Know You've Been Watching Too Much Ranma 1/2 When...
...You periodically kick people into the sky.
%
Well, I've felt better, so it could be worse.
  -- Mike DeMaria
%
"Leave the gun, take the canoli."
  -- The Godfather
%
During this time of year, the faculty have to do reports on what
they accomplished this year.  That means that the faculty can't
accomplish anything during this time of year.
%
Knocked, you weren't in.
  -- Opportunity
%
Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
%
Live sucks no matter what...so don't be fooled by location changes.
  -- Daria, MTV animation
%
I don't care what the hell it does, I just want to break it!
%
I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says, but
I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what it means. 
%
What the hell is wrong with this town? There's hammers everywhere.
  -- Mike DeMaria, in reference to first visit of East Amherst, NY
%
There's nothing like talking on AIM knowing you most likely hold a deadlier
weapon than the person on the other end of the connection.
  -- Jon Cheney
%
I walked around NYC in business clothes when I was 16.  Nothing bad
happened to me.  John got held up with a fork [in Syracuse].
  -- Mike DeMaria, on crime
%
Is fire suppose to shoot out of that thing?
%
One of them made the comment, 'for a guy that keeps saying he doesn't
have a girlfriend you have a bunch of girl friends.'  In which I replied,
yes, but there is a space between girl and friend.  That's the curse
of my life, spaces.  If there were no spaces, I'd be all set.
  -- Mike DeMaria
%
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
  -- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
His power lies apparently in his ability to choose incompetent enemies.
  -- Crow T. Robot, MST3K, "Prince of Space" 
%
Remember, statistics are like bikinis - suggestive and revealing,
but you don't see everything. 
%
You don't have to be part of the solution to point out the problem.
%
"Yes Niles, I used to have the same problem with my multiple personality
patients.  The one always said the other one sent the check."
  -- Frasier Crane, Frasier TV Show
%
1 1 was a race-horse, 2 2 was 1 2. When 1 1 1 1 race, 2 2 1 1 2.
%
The past tempts us, the present confuses us, and the
future frightens us...and our lives slip away, moment
by moment, lost in that vast, terrible in-between.
  -- Emperor Turhan of Centauri Prime, The Coming of the Shadows, Babylon 5
%
I'm not saying what I'm saying.  I'm not saying what I'm *thinking*.
For that matter, I'm not even *thinking* what I'm thinking.
  -- Captain Sheridan, A Race Through Dark Places, Babylon 5
%
Pride goeth before destruction and an haughty spirit before a fall.
  -- Proverbs 16:18
%
Droz: You want some advice?
 
Tom:  Well, yeah... 

Droz: Well here's all you need to know.
      Classes: nothing before eleven.
      Beer: it's your best friend, you drink alot of it.
      Women: you're a freshman, so it's pretty much out of the question.
      Will you have a car? 

Tom:  No. 

Droz: Someone on your hall will.  Find them and make friends with them
      on the first day.  Anything else? 

  -- Advice for prefrosh Tom, from P.C.U. movie
%
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home
in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
  -- Woody Allen 
%
Vir: Are you deliberately trying to drive me insane?
Londo: The universe is already insane.  Anything else would be redundant.
  -- Conversation between Vir and Londo, Dust to Dust, Babylon 5
%
There are always four sides to every story:
your side, their side, the truth, and what really happened.
%
Only one human captain has ever survived a battle with a Mimbari fleet.
He is behind me.
You are in front of me.
If you value your lives, be somewhere else."
  -- Delenn, Severed Dreams, Babylon 5
%
"You still haven't told me when the commander is due back?"
"Soon."
"How soon is soon?"
"Longer than little while, faster than later." 
  -- Mary Ann Cramer and Michael Garibaldi, Infection, Babylon 5
%
Mr. Gray, I'm grateful the Psi Corps give you purpose in life, but when
that purpose includes scanning *my* mind to prove *my* loyalty, it's not
only an invasion of my privacy, but my honor. As for fear, if you enter my
mind for any reason I will twist your head off and use it for a chamber pot.
  -- Ivanova, Eyes, Babylon 5
%
The Babylon 5 mantra:
Ivanova is always right.  I will listen to Ivanova. I will not ignore
Ivanova's recommendations.  Ivanova is God.  And if this ever happens again,
Ivanova will personally rip your lungs out.  Babylon Control out. [Sigh]
Civilians. [Looking up] Just kidding about the God part -- no offense." 
  -- Lt. Commander Susan Ivanova, Voice in the Wilderness Part I, Babylon 5
%
I can only conclude that I'm paying off karma at a vastly accelerated rate.
  -- Ivanova, Points of Departure, Babylon 5
%
Ivanova: I'll gain weight!

Franklin: Well, briefly, yes.

Ivanova: Figures. All my life I've fought against imperialism.
Now, suddenly I *am* the expanding Russian frontier.

Franklin: But with very nice borders.
  -- A Distant Star, Babylon 5
%
Why does any advanced civilization seek to destroy less advanced one?
Because the land is strategically valuable, because there are resources that
can be cultivated and exploited, but most of all, simply because they can.
  --G'Kar, And Now For a Word, Babylon 5 
%
What guarantees will you give me that the crews will not open fire
on a Centauri vessel as it approaches Babylon 5 ?"

It's the same guarantee I gave when I said that none of the other Narns would
break into your quarters in the middle of the night and slit your throat.

Mr. Garibaldi, you have never given me that promise.

You're right. Sleep tight. 
 --Londo and Garibaldi, Walkabout, Babylon 5
%
"I was doing fine until you showed up with that .. thing in hand."
"It's a Minbari fighting pike, several hundred years old. You are just
jealous because you don't have one. Bad case of pikal envy, if you ask me." 
 -- G'Kar and Marcus, Whatever Happened to Mr. Garibaldi?, Babylon 5
%
Commander! Did you threaten to grab hold of this man
by the collar and throw him out an airlock?

Yes I did.

I'm shocked. Shocked and dismayed. I'd remind you that we are short on
supplies here. We can't afford to take perfectly good clothing and throw
it out into space. Always take the jacket off first, I've told you that
before. Sorry, she meant to say: Stripped naked and thrown out an airlock.
I apologize for any confusion this may have caused." 
  -- Sheridan and Ivanova, The Illusion of Truth", Babylon 5
%
"So from now on I guess the operational phrase is 'Trust no-one.'"
"No. Trust Ivanova, trust yourself, anybody else: shoot them." 
  -- Corwin and Ivanova, No Surrender No Retreat, Babylon 5
%
Someone once told me that it takes more muscles to frown than to
grin and pull the trigger. Gotta do a fieldtest on that someday.
  -- Karl Astrom, A.S.R.
%
On my world, we have learned that an inauguration is simply a signal
to assassins that a new target has been set up on the firing range.
  -- Londo, No Compromises, Babylon 5
%
"You hand this woman a script and say to her, 'Miss C., everyone around
you is dead and you are in command.  The station is falling down around
you and you're in terrible pain, about to die by decompression or laser
burns or crushing--or worse, you could become a Morden and be controlled
by the Shadows the rest of your life.
You have no hope of rescue.
You may not know where you are.'

And then you say she was a tiny bit on the hysterical side?" 

Hey...from where I sit, that's just another day at the office. 

Don't know many producer/writers, do you? 
  -- JMS, Babylon 5 writer, in reference to a scene in War Without End Part 1
%
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
%
Oregano, n.: The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
%
You better cut the pizza in four pieces
because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.
  -- Yogi Berra
%
Londo: "So, how does it feel to make history?"

G'Kar: "You do not make history. You can only hope to survive it."

Londo: "G'Kar, you are a depressing person."

G'Kar: "Thank you."

Londo: "And stop eating that. We don't even know what it is."

G'Kar: "Something called 'rice'."

Londo: "Yes, and if it were any good, do you think they would
be standing there throwing it at people? As marriage ceremonies
go, the humans are very strange indeed. 
  -- Londo and G'Kar, Rising Star, Babylon 5
%
I figured out what's wrong with life: it's other people.
  -- Dilbert, 2/8/01
%
Sheridan: "So how did you find out all of this?"
Bester: "I'm a telepath.  Work it out."
  -- Babylon 5
%
Ah...arrogance and stupidity all in the same package.  How efficient of you.
  -- Londo Mollari, "In the Beginning", Babylon 5
%
"This scene *should* be very affecting. It goes to Joe's Theory of Violence
on TV. To wit...that we need more of it, but it has to be realistic violence.
It has to show consequences. You glorify or desensitize violence when you
shoot somebody, and they just go down, no yelling in pain, no sobbing as
their guts fall out onto the street. It's just gunfire, loud noises,
excitement and fun. If you're going to show violence, then show it for what
it *is*, and show it the way people would react to it. Make the audience
understand that this is a *person*, not one in a series of body counts."
  -- J. Michael Straczynski, in reference to "Dust to Dust", Babylon 5
%
Everyone lies, Michael. The innocent lie because they don't want to be
blamed for something they didn't do, and the guilty lie because they
don't have any other choice.
  -- Commander Sinclair, "And the Sky Full of Stars", Babylon 5
%
You're always 45 seconds away from food in Manhattan.
  -- Mike DeMaria
%
Revelations 0:0 - The beginning of the end
%
I'm sorry, but anyone who thinks the use of an angelic (or seemingly
angelic character), whose likes have been written about for, oh, about
4,000 years, is ripping off Star Trek, has his head so thoroughly up his
ass as to have blipped into an entirely new intestinally-based reality
and desperately needs to get a wider frame of reference.
  -- JMS, "The Fall of Night", Babylon 5
%
Better to fail at doing the right thing 
than to succeed at doing the wrong thing
  -- Guy Kawasaki
%
Only an idiot fights a war on two fronts.  Only the heir to the throne
of the kingdom of idiots would fight a war on twelve fronts.
  -- Londo, "Ceremonies of Light and Dark", Babylon 5
%
city, n., 1. a place where trees are cut down
and streets are named after them.
%
My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours.
%
"I don't like when a woman says 'make love to me!'  Its intimidating.
Last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her"
  -- George, "Seinfeld"
%
While money does not buy you love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
%
"This is fantastic!  This is fantastic!  I got a caller
who actually admits to drinking!  Hallelujah!"
  -- Rush Limbaugh radio show, 10/17/01
%
What do you get when you cross an agnostic with a dyslexic insomniac?
Someone who lies awake at night pondering if there is a Dog.
%
When artists get together they talk about money, when bankers get
together they talk about art.
  -- Oscar Wilde
%
I'm not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty tent and
hit a camel in the butt.  It's going to be decisive."
  -- President George W. Bush
%
Why isn't ginger ale considered a root beer?
  -- Mike DeMaria
%
The rest of the world has been around thousands and thousands
of years longer than we have and they can't figure out how to
make as good a toilet for less money.
  -- Rush Limbaugh, 4/4/02 radio show
%
"Arrange food, drink, entertainment, and a sit down orgy for 40."
  -- Miles Gloriosus, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum
%
"MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken."
  -- Lewis Black
%
It seems from the American spectrum that her job is really to be head
of this giant wax museum known as England. And that without her, England
would be indistinguishable from anyplace else in Europe, sort of like
Belgium, but with worse food and mad cow disease.
  -- Tucker Carlson, on Queen Elizabeth II
%
The World Wildlife Fund report claims that, by 2050, the earth simply will
implode. They claim that our planet's running out of room. The report will
be released tomorrow. I'm giving you a heads-up on this today in case you
want to make plans to die now.
  -- Rush Limbaugh, 7/08/02 Radio Show
%
If for no other reason, always buckle up in the car as it makes
it harder for aliens to suck you out of it and abduct you.
%
Do you ever get itchy stuffing all that straw into your straw-man arguments?
%
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like
an hour. Sit next to a pretty girl for an hour and it seems
like a minute. Now that's relativity!
  -- Albert Einstein
%
"I saw some protesters with signs that said 'no blood for oil' 
and I rolled down my window and said 'Hey how original.  How 
about no blood for solar?  Is blood okay for solar?"
  -- Laura Ingraham
%
clark: Is Kid Rock considered a "Country" singer?
mdemaria: Well yes, in the same way Vanilla Ice is a rapper.
%
Olive Garden is to Italian cuisine what Taco Bell is to Mexican cuisine.
  -- From the foodtv.com forums
%
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen,
for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.	
  -- Dave Barry
%
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
%
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
  -- Ronald Reagan
%
The trouble with eating Italian food is that
five or six days later, you're hungry again.
  -- George Miller
%
Celluloid factory burns down.  No film at 11.
%
Never charge more then it will cost to have you killed.
%
My mother made me eat broccoli. I hate broccoli. I am president
of the United States. I will not eat any more broccoli.
  -- George Bush, 41th President
%
clark: I just had a frozen pizza.
clark: I didn't eat it frozen though.
%
This problem is bigger than King Kong's scrotum.
  -- Jamie Oliver, professional chef
%
How many sides of your ass do you have,
because you're talking out of all THREE!
  -- Mike DeMaria
%
You know you're like the A-bomb.  Everybody's laughing, having
a good time, then you show up.  Boom.  Everything's dead.
  -- Master Shake, Aqua Teen Hunger Force
%
If guns kill people, I can blame misspelled words on my pencil.
  -- Larry the Cable Guy
%
My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation
which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.
  -- Ronald Reagan
%
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
  -- Ronald Reagan
%
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case
of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
  -- Ronald Reagan
%
Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age,
only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.
  -- Ronald Reagan
%
"Germans who wish to use firearms should join the SS or the SA.  Ordinary
citizens don't need guns, as their having guns doesn't serve the State."
  -- Heinrich Himmler
%
"I've been backstage going through these questions, and there's a commonality
in these questions that many of you have written. 'Rush, what can we do to
turn California into a red state?'  Folks, I think you're screwed."

"You got some of the wackiest judges in this state. Ninth Circus Court
of Appeals seriously considering giving whales the right to sue.
And you ask me what can turn this place into a red state?  Move!"
  -- Rush Limbaugh, KSFO Talk Radio Speech
%
But remember, there are no books in the library on how to fail
because everybody knows how. Well, you don't need a book on how
to fail because we've all done it. 
  -- Rush Limbaugh
%
Oh look, Striptease is in the comedy section.  Well why not, it was a joke
of a movie.
  -- Mike DeMaria at Blockbuster
%
mdemaria: I'm gonna write a song that includes a 3 minute triangle solo.
   paras: you don't how how to play the triangle!
mdemaria: I keep hitting the wrong side.
%
Fortune favors the bold, but not the stupid.
%
Berlin practically a suburb of Paris, whats why they've always been allies.
%
Hmm they can make listerine strips.  That has alchohol.
Can they make scotch strips, or would that infringe on 3M?
  -- RJHawkin
%
Animals have the rights to garlic and butter.
  -- Ted Nugent
%
The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.
  -- Walt Disney
%
That kicks more ass than a donkey soccer match.
  -- ADeP
%
I went to art school for three and a half years.
That means that, essentially, I majored in minimum wage.
  -- Malfunctionjunction.net, 03/01/06
%
There are leaders who compel people to follow,
and those who command.  Be the former.
  -- Fritz Nelson
%
Typos are very important to all written form. It gives the reader
something to look for so they aren't distracted by the total lack
of content in your writing.
  -- Randy K. Millholland
%
True courage is being afraid, and going ahead and doing your job.
  -- General Norman Schwarzkopf, Jr.
%
When placed in command -- take charge.
  -- General Norman Schwarzkopf, Jr.
%
The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do.
The hard part is doing it.
  -- General Norman Schwarzkopf, Jr.
%
Leadership is a potent combination of strategy and character.
But if you must be without one, be without the strategy.
  -- General Norman Schwarzkopf, Jr.
%
ATF should be a convenience store, not a government agency.
%
The only good ideas are the ones I can take credit for.
  -- R. Stevens
%
Dude,  it's  even  worse  than that. Consider the entire region of
genetalia. What kind of "intelligent" designer puts a recreational
facility next to a waste disposal site?
  -- Slashdot poster, on evolution

You've obviously never been to New Jersey.
  -- Another poster, in reply
%
on CNN, story number 1: North Korea has a nuke.
story number 2: Does standing on your head cure hiccuphs?
This is what happens when AOL is allowed to own the news.
  -- stern_7, from bash.org
%
One of the posters is out of stock and won't ship immediately.
As irony would have it, its the procrastination poster.
  -- Dan, ordering online
%
All tools are hammers except chisels which are screwdrivers.
%
Humans were meant to work and sweat to earn a living.  Those that try
to get rich quick, or live at the expense of others, all get divine
retribution somewhere along the line.
  -- Jet Black, Cowboy Bebop
%
If it's stuck and it's not supposed to be, WD-40 it.
If it's not stuck and it's supposed to be, duct tape it
%
Party at Jesus' House this sunday! Hors d'oeuvres and wine served!
%
Now, wet stuff does not like sticking to other wet... stuff. It's one of those
universal axioms that keeps the galaxy from ripping itself to shreds and
dissolving into the void.
  -- Alton Brown
%
With the possible exception of college-aged males, the acetobactors are just
about the only critters on Earth who can actually thrive on alcohol.
 -- Alton Brown
%
Hot mustard isn't so much spicy, as it's got a wasabi-like fume that
goosesteps through your sinuses like a Red Square May Day parade. Good stuff.
  -- Jimmy McForum, Forumopolis
%
Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate.
%
It's such a fine line between stupid and clever.
  -- David St. Hubbins, Spinal Tap
%
Never pick a fight with a man who buys his ink by the barrel.
%
"Businesses used to be like Christianity; if you were faithful and obedient,
you could obtain bliss in the afterlife of retirement. Now its more of a
reincarnation model. If a worker learns enough in his current job, he can
progess to a higher level of employment elsewhere." 
  -- Scott Adams
%
I'm an optimist.  I opted out.
  -- R Stevens
%
So shines a good deed in a weary world.
  -- Willy Wonka
%
I just want it to look like nothing else in the world.
And it should be surrounded by a train.
  -- Walt Disney, on designing Disneyland
%
clark: Can we bring some sunshine into here????
mdemaria: You're in Syracuse.
mdemaria: No.
%
They all laughed at me when I said I wanted to
become a comedian...but nobody is laughing now!
%
It behooves every man to remember that the work of the critic is of altogether
secondary importance, and that, in the end, progress is accomplished by the
man who does things.
  -- Theodore Roosevelt
%
Life's a pitch and then you buy.
  -- Billy Mays
%
Just because it's futuristic doesn't mean it's practical.
  -- Crow T. Robot, MST3K, 'Design For Dreaming'
%
It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
  -- Walt Disney
%
Adding bacon to food is the culinary equivalent of adding a car chase
to a movie - a cheap way to make people like it without having to do
a lot of thinking.
  -- Comment left at foodnetworkhumor.com
%
Omit and substitute! That's how recipes should be written. Please don't
ever get so hung up on published recipes that you forget that you can
omit and substitute.
  -- Jeff Smith
%
Luke: Why didn't you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered
my father.

Obi Wan: Your father was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force. He ceased
to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good
man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true...from a
certain point of view.

Luke: (incredulous) A certain point of view?

Obi Wan: Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to
depend greatly on our own point of view.
 -- Star Wars Episode VI - Return Of The Jedi
%
It's just a show, I should really just relax.
  -- Hodgson's Law, MST3K Mantra
%
Ghosts can be quite amiable to being photographed, but you don't want to
end up in a situation where the spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
%
It doesn't take a hero to order men into battle.
It takes a hero to be one of those men who goes into battle.
  -- General Norman Schwarzkopf, Jr.
%
There's more than one way to look at a problem, and they all may be right.
  -- General Norman Schwarzkopf, Jr.
%
Sometimes I wish I could Tivo my mind so I could remember what I was
thinking 6 seconds ago.
  -- Mike DeMaria
%
Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to
depend greatly on our own point of view.
  -- Obi-Wan Kenobi
%
"Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn't matter to me. ... Going to bed
at night saying we've done something wonderful -- that's what matters to me."
  -- Steve Jobs
%
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
  -- Dean Acheson
%
You don't hear that one, the Tour De France doesn't open with "Bicycle Race",
but wouldn't it be great if it did!
  -- Brian Ibbott, on sporting event theme songs
%
Truly, for some men nothing is written unless they write it.
  -- Sherif Ali, Lawrence of Arabia
%
Did you ever grow anything in the garden of your mind?
You can grow ideas in the garden of your mind.
All you have to do is think and they'll grow.
  -- Mr. Rogers
%
The best way to need a Plan B is to have one.
 -- Scott Kurtz, Surviving Creativity podcast #23
%
To be totally crude, creativity can often times be a lot like being constipated.
It is great when things are flowing, but sometimes you just have to sit down
and force something out and hope it doesn't hurt too much.
  -- Sam Skyes, Surviving Creativity podcast #23
%
It doesn't make sense to hire smart people and tell them what to do;
we hire smart people so they can tell us what to do.
  -- Steve Jobs
%
Where there is no work, there is no dignity.
  -- Pope Francis
%
St. Peter committed one of the greatest sins, denying Christ,
and yet they made him Pope.  Think about that.
  -- Pope Francis
%
Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood.
Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.
  -- Marie Curie
%
Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change.
  -- Stephen Hawkins
%
No one need ever be ashamed of fingernails made dirty by a hard day's work.
  -- Linus, Peanuts
%
If you can't beat 'em, cooperate 'em to death!
  -- Charlie Brown, Peanuts
%
Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is.
  -- Yoda
%
Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.
  -- C.S. Lewis
%
I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then. 
  -- Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
%
I try to avoid the ordinary.
  -- Bill Murray
%
There are 3 men in a boat with 4 cigarettes but no matches.
How do they manage to smoke?

They threw one cigarette overboard and made the boat a cigarette lighter.
 -- The Riddler, 1966 Batman
%
What is it that no man wants to have yet no man wants to lose?

A lawsuit.
 -- The Riddler, 1966 Batman
%
Pivot means 'Oh dear that idea didn't work, start everything over fresh again'
  -- Tom Scott
%
There is something absurd in supposing a continent
to be perpetually governed by an island.
  -- Thomas Paine, Common Sense, 1776
%
Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.
  -~ Albert Camus
%
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
  -- Benjamin Franklin
%
The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it.
%
Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
  -- Pohl's Law
%
For having lived long, I have experienced many instances of being obliged by
better information, or fuller consideration, to change opinions even on
important subjects, which I once thought right, but found to be otherwise.
It is therefore that the older I grow, the more apt I am to doubt my own
judgment, and to pay more respect to the judgment of others.
  -- Benjamin Franklin, September 17, 1787, transcribed by James Madison
%
Most people spoil garden things by over-boiling them. All things that are
green should have a little crispness, for if they are over-boiled, they
neither have any sweetness or beauty.
  -- Art of Cookery, published 1784
%
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
  -- George Santayana, Reason in Common Sense
%
I have a theory that there are five kinds of truth:
the truth you tell the casual strangers and people you meet;
the truth you tell to your friends and to your family;
the truth you tell to only to a few people in your entire life;
the truth you tell to yourself;
the truth you won't even admit to yourself.
  -- J Michael Straczynski
%
You should never hand someone a gun unless you're sure where they'll point it.
  -- Commander Sinclair, "By Any Means Necessary", Babylon 5
%
The quiet ones are the ones that change the universe.
The loud ones only take the credit.
  -- Londo Mollari, "In The Beginning", Babylon 5
%
You know, an aquarium is really just a pet store that doesn't sell anything.
  -- Crow T. Robot, MST3k, Reptilicus
%
I am a man of peace.  Whene'er I draw my sword, peace follows.
  -- Prince Valiant
%
Thus shines a good deed in a weary world.
   -- The Merchant of Venice
%
A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.
  -- Willy Wonka
%
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by
  -- Sea-Fever, John Masefield
%
You will observe with concern how long a useful truth may be known,
and exist, before it is generally received and practiced on.
  -- Benjamin Franklin
%
For of all sad words of tongue and pen,
the saddest are these: it might have been.
  -- John Greenleaf Whittier
%
Round numbers are always false.
  -- Samuel Johnson
%
There are some great films that are great because of the script, 
and there are some great films that are great despite the script.
  -- Randy Deluxe, Film Sack episode 557
%
The reason I haven't spoken all this time is because it doesn't matter
what I say, nobody will listen to me because I'm under 21.
  -- Davey Jones, The Monkeys
%
I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her name was grief.
  -- C.S. Lewis
%
Your fourties are the youth of your old age.
  -- Scott Kurtz
%
'Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone', he told me, 'just remember that
all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had.'
  -- The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald, 1925
%