Some of you will never eat lunch with me again....others have fallen into advanced levels of potato paranoia, hitting the Heinz bottle as soon as you take a seat. For the benefit of all, I feel that it's finally time to codify the concepts.

Here, therefore, are the Official Rules of Fry Raid:

spuds+salt=satisfaction

1. You must clearly and loudly call out "Fry Raid!" while initially raiding a friend. You must not mumble or whisper it. You may only silently raid someone with whom you are romantically involved or to whom you are related by blood. Raiding a total stranger is a very bad idea; don't do it.

1a. After two successful raids, you are no longer obligated to specifically call "Fry Raid!". You may switch to an interjection or utterance such as "Yoink!", "Ping!", etc for subsequent raids.

2. You may not intentionally take more than two small fries or one large fry at a time.

3. You may only raid someone seated adjacent to you; you may not reach across the table between two other people to commit a raid.
At each of these tables, you are the blue dot. You may raid your green friends, but not your red friends.

awesome mspaint skills

4.Once your friend has poured ketchup (or any other liquid condiment) directly on their fries, or in a puddle and started dipping, their fries are placed under Condiment Protection, and you may not raid until they appear to be finished eating. Salt, pepper, or other dry condiments do not offer protection.

fries and photo by Smidge

4a Exception: "loaded fries", "cheese fries", or other fry dishes (Poutine?) which are served with their condiments applied in the kitchen, are fair game during the entire meal.

5. If you repeatedly raid your friend and they ask you to stop without smiling or laughing, you must do so at once. You may choose to offer them one chicken nugget, pickle slice, or other item in retribution.

6. If you raid more than half of your friend's fries, you should replenish them with some of your own, and/or purchase an additional order to share. This is about fun, not greed!

7. If your friend proactively throws a fry across the table to you, you may not raid them until they appear to be done eating.

7a. If your friend throws the fry at you and hits you with it, Rules 4 through 7 shall be annulled for the duration of the meal.

8. If you raid someone's fries, you are obligated to expose your own fries to retaliatory raids. You may not keep them in a bag on your lap or wrap your arm around them.

8a. If you apply ketchup to your fries, you may not keep, hide, or obscure the bottle.

Written by ADeP 2006
This page last updated 2016-02-28