Computer Illiteracy One night working at technical support, this old lady called and told me that she recieved our disk and said that she's afraid of it. Tech: Well, ma'am there is nothing to be afraid of. It's a disk for your computer. Cust: Well, I don't have a computer. The directions say "install and run". I'm to old to run. Tech: Ma'am could you please hold? (screams with laughter) Tech: Ma'am I can insure you that you are ok. Cust: Ok. Should I call the police? Tech: No, ma'am, just throw it away. Cust: Well, there is a silver thing that slides across and it clicks. What is that? Tech: It is safe to throw it away. It's for a computer, ok? Cust: But is this a bomb? Tech: No, ma'am, just throw it away. Cust: Now? Tech: Yes, if you like. Cust: Son, you saved my life! Thank you and have a nice day. I was teaching Excel and I kept telling the class that they needed to have their pointer on the cell and then click the mouse button to select it. One lady was having a terrible time until I noticed she was literally pointing with her FINGER, and clicking the mouse. Had a woman call and ask if we also taught "Don'ts" in the "Dos" class, and she was dead serious. This happened about 10 years ago to my father who was the manager of a company's publications department. A couple of data-entry clerks were instructed to do a large amount of word processing for an urgent project. By the end of the day, the work had been completed and the clerks saved the files to 5.25" diskettes. To make certain that the manager would find the diskettes, they neatly clipped the diskettes to the source documents using their magnetic clipboards. There was a fellow who set his type color to black, just after setting the background color to black. Took him a couple days of blind typing to get things back again. Tech: Sir, I need you to click ONCE on your America Online icon. User: Ok...clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka Uh, 'invalid path'. Tech: Ok, can you click on the icon ONE time for me? User: clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka Icon still says 'invalid path'. Tech: Could you PLEASE CLICK ONE TIME, and ONLY ONE TIME on the America Online icon. User: Uh, just one time? Tech: YES. User: Ok. This old man (probably around 75) was trying to figure out how to work the new computers that the library has installed. He asked me to help him, so I went over and told him he had to use the mouse to move around the screen. After he got through laughing because it is called a mouse, he asked how it works, and I told him, but instead of rolling it on the mouse pad he picked it up and started rubbing it on the screen. Cust: My program crashes; it has to be your compiler. Tech: What's the code that's crashing? Cust: I can't discuss it with you; it's classified. Tech: Fine. Send us some code that causes the problem, but change it enough that your not violating any of your security agreements. Cust: Okay. Two weeks later, a video tape shows up in the mail. The tape starts off with the camera pointed in an out of focus computer screen. The picture wobbles a bit, and a pair of glasses are held in front of the lens. The customer moves in front of the camera and starts the program, which promptly crashes. The question is, how do you trouble shoot this?! A woman calling Microsoft called having a problem. She was installing Microsoft Office when she called them up and said that it wouldn't accept that she had put the next disk in for insallation. After about 20 mins and much debating, the tech found out that she had not taken out the disks before puting the next one in. By this time she had put 4 disks in the disk drive. Her comment was that she thought it was a bit stiff. Tech: May I ask why you're cancelling our service? Cust: Well, when I do database searches, I always get too long a list of files to look at, no matter what keyword I put in. Tech: (You know, if they just wouldn't put so darn much information on the service, we wouldn't lose these customers.) Cust: Well, I just want to know if I load this disk into my computer, won't other people be able to get into my computer and access everything I have in there? Tech: No, that's not possible. Cust: You see it on the tv all the time. Cust: I was not aware that by dialing to a long distance #, that *I* would be billed for it. I assumed that your service would pick up the bill. (heartfelt and concerned) I really think that it should be spelled out on the disk that the customer has to pay for the long distance charges... Cust: Do I need a monitor? I have everything else. Tech: Yes, ma'am. Cust: Why? That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. I just had a call where the customer wanted to know if a modem and mouse were going to come with the software. I told them that only the disk is going to be in the start-up kit. They couldn't believe we were going to make him pay for their own modem and mouse...! Cust: Oh, my god, I just recieved this disk in the mail, I never ordered a disk...Am I a member? Am I being charged for this? Got a call today from a gentleman who was upset because ABC's "This Week with David Brinkley" show had run long, causing the first twenty minutes or so of a sporting event to be pre-empted, and he had seen AOL's blurb at the end of the show. Tech: "Well, sir, ABC News does have an area on AOL but we're not affiliated with them...I'm not sure I understand, why did you call us instead of ABC?" Cust: "Well, things like this sure don't make America Online look good!" I had a customer who had been trying to put his cd in his computer. He could not figure it out, so he opened his system and was trying to put it in a card slot....I spent 10 minutes explaning what his disk drive was and that he did not, in fact, have a cd-rom...I sent a disk to him ....explaned how it goes in the system...I mean that literally Cust: When I dial your service, the system asks me some questions and then it kicks me off. Tech: What were the questions that it asked you? Cust: I don't remember. Tech: Well, sir, if you don't remember what they were, I don't know what the problem is and I can't help you. Cust: So I need to call you and go through this again after seeing the questions again? Tech: Yes. Cust: Can't I just keep you on while I call? Tech: Is your modem on another line? Cust: No, same line. Tech: Well, sir, you can't do it.. kinda like someone picking up the phone now and dialing while we are talking. Cust: Can I at least try? (He tried...TWICE!!!!!!) :::slamming my head on the desk:::: Tech: No, ma'am, I can not see you in front of your computer.....now if you could step in front of the TV... ;) What certain internet service technicians would like to say: "Actually, ma'am, you're absolutely right! we really *do* keep track of every movement you make. From the moment you tear the plastic wrap off that disk, our intelligence officers in Virginia keep you under surveillance. Hence, we know exactly when you delete our software from your computer and immediately cancel your account for you at that time. Now *that's* service for you! Heavy, throaty, not real-educated-or-bright voice from New York asks me if the..."new tape, ya know, the plasticy thingie I got in the mail...does that work even if I don't put it in my compoota??" Tech: No, ma'am, the software does not work unless it is installed onto your hard drive. Cust: But this isn't soft...this is a small hard plastic square... Tech: Yes, ma'am, that's called software, and you need to insert it into the disk drive to use it... Cust: Look, lady, I'm not stupid...this isn't soft..and I don't appreciate you making fun of me... (hangs up) Cust: If I want somebody to send a reply to my e-mail...should I include a self-addressed stamped envelope along with it? Cust: Look, look!!!!! Look what it's doing!!! Can you BELIEVE this?? Why is it doing that?? Tech: (keeps saying: ) Sir, I can't see your computer, what is it doing?? Cust: (keeps saying: ) WHAT??? Can't you figure it out?? LOOK AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN!!!!! You can see it, can't you?! Cust: Well, I got one of your free disks in the mail, but I don't have a computer... I just wanted to thank you for sending this to me. Tech: (incredulously) Is that the only reason you're calling, sir? Cust: Yes, I just thought that was really nice of you people, sending me this disk. I really appreciate it! Cust: Yes, I just want to know how to return this disk to you people. Tech: Ma'am, the software is free. You can throw it out, give it to a friend, whatever you want. Cust: But my nephew recieved this in the mail and I don't want him to be billed for it. Can I get credited for this? Tech: We don't bill you until you actually install the software and register as a user. Cust: Can you get me credited for this? Tech: Ma'am, we have not billed you for anything. At this point, they insisted on being transferred to someone who could credit her...! Cust: (suddenly seeing the light) "OH!! You mean I need a modem *and* a computer to get on the internet?!" Asked caller for a reason for cancelling. Told me he just moved and the phone jack in his new house is too far away from the computer. Cust: You sent me this diskette, are you gonna send me a computer so I can run this? Tech: Excuse me? Lady calls claiming to be a new member. Nothing under the screen name she gave, nada under phone num...zilch under her name...I resorted to the credit card num... ZIP... nothing. I asked how long she'd been a member, she said a few days. Finally, I asked her if she's SURE it was AMERICA ONLINE she signed up for...and she said, "yeah...well it's called E-World on my computer, though." Cust: I just got your software in the mail....when are you sending the computer? Tech: You don't have a computer? Cust: Nope. But I have the software, just send me the computer and you've got a new member. Cust: I get "receive no carrier from modem". Tech: Where is that music coming from? Sounds like I am on hold. Cust: From my phone line. Tech: There is your problem. You have line noise. You have your radio station coming through your phone line. Cust: OK...I will try and log on when the station goes off the air. Man: "Uh, I'm trying to send e-mail to my daughter and she's not receiving it..." Tech: "Okay, sir, what is her e-mail address?" Man: "I don't know... she doesn't even have a computer...can't I send it to her post office?" Cust: Yes, does my e-mail go directly to my answering machine when I'm not online? Can I just check my e-mail from another phone on my answering machine? Man: My account was supposed to be reactivated yesterday and it hasn't been yet. Tech: Well, sir, we are showing that your account was reactivated yesterday at 12:30. Man: Well, it wasn't because I re-installed the program and I keep checking, but my old screen names are not showing up on my computer. Tech: Have you tried to sign on yet? Man: No, I was waiting for my screen names to show up... Cust: Do you really need a modem? Tech: Yes, ma'am, you do. Cust: Do you really, really need one? Tech: Yes, ma'am, I am afraid that you do. Cust: WELL, THAT'S DUMB!!!! (hangs up) TOP TEN IDIOTIC QUESTIONS FREQUENTLY ASKED BY AOL CUSTOMERS 10) "Which is the registration number and which is the password?" 9) "Can I speak with Ricki Lake?" 8) "Why do I need a modem if this is just a ten-hour free trial?" 7) "Why do I need to enter my credit card number if this is just a ten-hour free trial?" 6) "My screen name? What the heck is a screen name???" 5) "I've been billed for the last six months?? But I thought my first ten hours were free!" 4) "How did I become a member when I never signed anything?!" 3) "I gave my friend your 800 number, so why can't I have ten free hours credited to my account?" 2) "Why isn't there a local access number here? There's almost a thousand people living in my town!" 1) "HOW'S THAT WORK???" A while back, I sold a copy of a popular word processing application to a customer. About 40 minutes later, I received a call from her stating that it wouldn't install, and in fact would fail on the first disk. I instructed her to bring it back in for an exchange. She did, and we did. Another 40 minutes later, she calls again with the same problem, and again, we exchange her product. 40 minutes later, she calls again, and she is understandably becoming frustrated with this whole affair. I offer that if she would bring it back, I would install it on the store's system to insure it's operability, with the provision that if it fails, we fully refund her. She agrees. She brings it back, and we try to install. I open the box, only to find the 5.25 disks trimmed by about an inch on either side. Yes, you guessed it. She had purchased what was then the standard, a 5.25" version, and had tried to "make the disks fit" in her spanking new PS/2's 3.5" drive. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ (user) I'm having trouble with this editor (admin) Which one are you using ? (user) Um, I dunno. (admin) Emacs? Which version are you running ? (user) Umm, I'm running version vi, and having heaps of trouble. Is vii out? (admin) (mental grind) *duh* (user) Have they done anything new? (admin) Well, yeah, they're up to xv now, but that needs a special graphical interface. (user) Oh, well, thanks anyway. (admin) *shudder* ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A tech support guy once told me that he got a call from someone saying that the computer screen just went black and the computer wouldn't respond at all. The tech guy (starting with the obvious) asked the guy if the computer was still plugged in that maybe his foot had knocked the plug out of the socket. The guy on the other end of the phone said to hold on that he would be back in a minute with a flashlight because the electricity had just gone out in his building and he couldn't see under the desk without the lights.... ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway". An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working; his attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail. He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach- I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address. He replied, "The sign told me, 'begins@7:30 P.M.'" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A secretary in our office (years ago :-) was trying to save her data on a floppy. She kept complaining that the (single sided) 5 & 1/4 was losing her data. Well, I was asked to investigate. I unwilling approached the gallows. I asked her to show me what she did when she saved her data. She took out a new disk, inserted it into the drive, formatted it, saved her data, and removed the diskette without a hitch. She then proceeded to peel off a new label, and carefully applied it to the disk. No problems so far. She then took the disk, inserted it into the typewriter, scrolled it through the roller, and neatly typed her label. I found the problem on the first try. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I was trying to teach this sales person (for automated entrance system [they made gates]) how to enter his letters into Word Perfect. I told him to select Word Perfect from his menu and when he did it gave him the opening screen which said, "Press any key to continue..." He looked at the keyboard for awhile then asked me, "Where is the 'any' key?". ------------------------------------------------------------------------ There is the classic one (which I hope is an urban myth) of the secretary working in an accounting firm who is told to make back up copies of the discs every night. Every night she carfully collected together all the discs and took them away to copy them. After six months the hard disc crashed but no-one was worried because they had backups, until the secretary brought in the huge pile of paper with a nice photocopied disc on each! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A user called the PC Support line of the university having trouble with her Mac. It was handed off to one of the Mac guys... "What seems to be the problem?" "It's not working." Eyes roll. "What's not working?" "My Mac." <- Five minutes of drawing the problem out of the woman deleted -> "Okay, to access the files on the disk click the mouse on the picture of the disk." Pause. "Nothing happened. I told you, I've already tried this." Support guy makes as if he is strangling the phone. "Okay, do it again. Is the mouse moving?" "Yep." "On the screen?" "Yep." "Now click twice on the picture of the disk." Pause and the consultant hears the two clicks again. "Nothing." "Maam, double-click once more for me." Clink-clink. "Maam, are you hitting the screen with your mouse?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A secretary who had gotten a PC for word processing had periodic failures. The disks would work for days, but after a couple of weeks would fail. They would be recovered by IBM (to an extent) but after a couple of weeks the cycle would repeat. At one point a service tech came out to the site to repair it, suspecting damage in transit. He recovered what he could, cleaned and aligned the drive (for the 400th time) and gave it a clean bill of health at about 5:00... and the secretary in question put the disk in the envelope, stuck it to her wall with her magnet, and went home. Of course this sounds stupid to us, but how many secretaries are familiar with mass storage techniques? A friend of mine fixed his mother's TV by connecting the antenna. After explaining the problem, she asked: "How far away is the TV station?" "From here? About 20 miles." "You mean that picture can travel 20 miles to get to the antenna, but it can't go another 3 inches to get to the TV?" How do you explain that (in less than four years)? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ These remind me of another story I heard (or probably read on rec.humor. It was told by an instructor who taught programming in BASIC language. He had given them step-by-step instructions on how to write a short program that would let you enter two numbers and the computer would return the sum of the two numbers. When each student had all their program steps keyed in, he told the class to type RUN and enter. A lady in the back of the class said, "It didn't work." The instructor once again told her to simply type RUN and enter. Still didn't work. So the instructor walked back to see what the problem was. It was obvious. He had been spelling out "R" "U" "N"....she had typed "are you in". ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A user came up and wanted to know why their 3.5" disk wouldn't go into the Mac's floppy drive. I check out the disk, noted that it was okay, and then walked over to the offending machine, suspecting a hardware problem with the disk mechanism. As I moved to insert the disk into the drive to test things out, the user interrupted me: "No! Not that drive...*this* one." "This" drive, of course, turned out to be a CD-ROM. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Every now and then, when users work on documents on multiple disks, the Mac's will tell them to insert their other disk. And sometimes, you get to catch people trying to put two disks in the same drive at the same time. :) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I was at the local computer shop and I happened to be in the tech area talking to one of my friends there and I overheard this woman say to another technician the following: "I am running WinFax to receive my faxes. I want to know if I have to leave the computer running in order to do this." It was all I could do to from bursting out loud and rolling on the floor laughing. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ At my first real world programming position, we sent out updates on 8" floppy disks. To save time/energy, we put the following on the disk labels: 1) Insert disk in drive 2) Press ^C (control-C) 3) type A:INSTALL We got a call from one of our users (um, "customers"). She said "I don't know what to do. I inserted the disk in the drive, but then I forgot what the next step was." This was the turning point for me. I finally realized just how foolproof things needed to be. (We sent out paper copies with instructions after that.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ While I was working in a placement office at the University, we helped students write their resumes on the computer. A student came up to me and said he had problems reading the disk. I asked him to show it to me so I could see if I could recover the files, "sure." he said, an took the disk (5 1/4" floppy) out of his pocket and unfolded it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Another time, while working at a computer store, somebody who bought his computer from us was having trouble with one of his disks. The man was living in another city, so I asked him to send me a copy of the disk, and I would take a look at it. A few days later, an envelope arrived for me, it contained a "photocopy" of the front and back side of the disk. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I overheard a nice conversation one day in a computer shop: customer: I'd like a mouse mat please. assistant: certainly sir,we've got a large variety. customer while looking at said mats then asked: "But will they be compatible with my computer?" All i could do to keep a straight face was walk out of the shop. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A friend of mine works at Word Perfect in Orem UT. He had a lady call up and tell him she couldn't figure out how to install the program. He told her "Insert Disk1 into the disk drive and type "INSTALL WP". He then proceeded to have her insert disk 2 through 4 in sequential order. She then stop him to ask if it would be alright to remove the previous four disks because the fifth wouldn't fit. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > The best protection against computer viruses is to keep the cover on the > floppy disk when you insert it into the drive :-) Don't laugh. At the store in which I used to work we actually had people come in with disks stuck in their Macs and on the disks the plastic disk cover. One of the downsides of being "easiest to use" is that you do get a lot of bonehead customers. To paraphrase John Dvorak, the only interfaces which are truly intuitive are rocks and mud. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Someone complained he couldn't get his disk out. I said, "Type Command-E (Eject) when you're in the Finder." He came back. It didn't work. I said, "Type Command-Shift-1." He came back. It didn't work. I then said, "Reboot the Mac while holding the mouse button pressed until the disk ejects." He came back. It didn't work. So I decided I'd have a look at it myself. He had succeeded in cramming 2 disks in the same disk drive. Any guess what.... they were stuck!!!! ............ computers!!!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Man comes in, in a panic. He had typed a document the day before, and now it was all gone. "Have you saved it properly?" was of course my first question. Yes, he said, it was saved properly. But all the text had mysteriously disappeared. On his disk, I found a completely empty document. Indeed it was saved, apparently, and indeed it did not contain text. Of course, he had saved the document right BEFORE he started typing. When it was finished, he took out his disk and shut down the computer. And now all that text was gone, even though he had SAVED!!! ....... To top it all off, he got mad at ME when I told him the only thing he could do was retype the whole thing. Was I fucking nuts or something??? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Someone comes in and asks me how to print a document. I explain about the Page Setup (making sure the user selected "A4 Letter" as his document size, the one for our LaserWriter) and then selecting the Print command in the File menu. Happy, the user walks away. Comes back in two minutes. Still no document with his name on our spooler. "Make sure you have selected the Info-Groep Laser Spooler, I said. He had checked. It WAS selected. "Have you issued the Print command yet?" Of course, what did I think he was, a fucking dummy? So I went over to have a look. The "Print" dialog box was still on his screen. I clicked on the "Print" button.... "Oooooooh, you have to click on Print!!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Our computer center has both PCs and Macs, and the most frequent stupid error is people who create a file on a Mac, and try to edit it later on a PC. When I tell them that they have to use a Mac to edit their Mac files, they look at me and say, "But all the Macs are being used." Most of them eventually accept that they have to stick with one type of computer, but I have gotten into some extended arguments with a couple of stubborn users. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Of course, there are people that try to retrieve a file from the A: drive, when their disk is in the B: drive. The first time I can see, but after the little light comes on in the wrong drive, you'd think they'd figure it out....... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Here where I work (research clinic) one of the secretaries recently complained to me that she just saved a file on a disk but now it wouldn't read it. Apparently, she had put the 5.25" floppy sideways (with the slot on one side) into the drive. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Another incident I remember froma a few years ago when I worked at the computer center of the University: a student came in a complained that she saved a file (Mac) earlier that day, but now she can't find it. Computer assistant: And which Mac did you use earlier when you saved it? Student: Oh, this same one. Computer assistant: Perhaps it's on the harddrive... Student: No, some other assistant saved it on my disk for me. Computer assistant: (Looks for disk icon, looks in drive, can't find the disk) Where's the disk? Student: In my bag... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I personally love the reaction of some people to the screen savers on the Macintoshes in our computer lab. I was sitting next to a blonde (at that point I didn't place any significance on this fact) who was typing a paper, and by the way she was doing it, it was clear that this was just about her first time. Well, a friend of hers sat at the computer across from hers, and they started chatting... and yup, the screensaver kicked in. The scream was heard, I was told, around two corners in the hallway. But there's more... after she'd nearly passed out, her friend just told her to move the mouse to get back to what she was doing, that she didn't lose anything, in fact. She didn't count on the fact that when her friend jumped up in hysteria she'd bumped the keyboard/mouse connector out of the socket... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I also heard a story of a guy doing tech support for a small company. A lady called in telling him the company's software wouldn't work. He went through a bunch of questions about how the software was acting, and came to discover that the lady was having troubles getting her computer to turn on. He asked her, "What happens when you turn the computer on?". She replied, "The screen just stays black". He then asked, "Is the computer plugged in?". She replied, "I took it to a repair shop last week and they apparently fixed it so it doesn't need a power cord anymore." He asked, "Is the computer a laptop computer?". She replied, "No, but they never gave me back the power cord so they must have fixed it so it didn't need it." He said, "Go back to the repair store and get back your power cord. They just forgot to give it to you." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ cartoon seen in an old computer magazine: little boy sitting in a pile of diskettes, he's holding a horseshoe magnet. Father is in the adjoining room doing some take-home work. "Dad, you've been jipped. None of these are magnetic" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A salesperson hoping to demonstrate to a skeptical corp. how easy it is to use windows. Just point and click" he says. "Just point to the application you want and click on the mouse button." So the exec take the mouse, lifts it, hefts it like a tv.remote points at the screen and clicks the button. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A foreign gentleman came in needing help using a word processor to write a letter. I took him over to a Mac and gave him a brief overview of its capabilities and commands and left him at a point where he could just start typing. He looked at me, puzzled. See, he didn't know how to type. Not just that he didn't know how to type well, but it was like he didn't understand the concept of typing (the 's' key puts an s on the screen). Eventually I ended up typing it for him bacause it was easier than arguing with him. Another gentleman came to us frantic. The day before he had saved a very important document on the hard drive of one of our Macs and he could not find it. He was yelling at me that our lab employees must have deleted it and we need to have more respect for users, etc. (We have a policy of allowing documents to remain in the hard drives for 7 days before being erased by the staff.) I helped him look for his paper, but when I couldn't find it, I explained our policy and the fact that we can't control what other users might do with a document left on a computer. He was *not* happy. Then in a sudden flash of genius I asked him, "You were using *this* particular Mac, weren't you?" to which he responded, "No, I was using one in the other room." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ We once had an elderly female end user (the type that technology passed by) who would get very angry with the machine, generally when it would do EXACTLY what she had instructed it to do. Her usual response was to bang the mouse down on the desk. Obviously, it didn't take long for the mouse to break. We analysts knew what she was doing, but she always denied it when the tech came to replace the mouse. Finally, one of the techs, took a mouse apart on her desk as part of the replacement process. Says he, "You hit this mouse pretty hard." The reply, "Oh, no. I never did anything. It just broke." To which the tech said, "Well Ma'am, as you can see by the value on the impact capacitor here, this mouse has been subjected to a very bad force. Probably caused when someone picked up the mouse and dropped it or banged it on the desk." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ In another case, I had gone to a customer site with one of the hardware guys to install a machine. The new sysop, a true novice, asked a number of questions about the care and feeding of the machine. At one point, being funny, I told her that for best performance she should dust and wax the boards occasionally to keep them clean. She looked at me a bit askance, as we knew each other previously and she knew of my penchant for practical jokes. At that point the hardware tech looks up and says, "Be sure to get a good polish like Pledge or something. And don't get anything with lemon scent. It messes up the contacts." She believed. We later called her boss to gently suggest that her leg might have been pulled. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ There was an big, athletic-looking guy fooling with one of our brother (IBM) printers. He was opening it up, shaking it a little, and trying to jam a paper into the manual paper feed. When I asked him what the problem was, he said, "Your copier isn't working." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ meet the man who asked which was the laser printer. i asked him which machine he was printing on; we have different laser printers. he gives me this nice sarcastic response, ''this is a *mac* lab, right?'' so i pointed him to the mac laser printer. the trouble is, (1) maclab is the *old* name; and (2) he was on an ibm pc. of course, this didn't occur to him for the (i swear to bill) 35 minutes he stood at the wrong printer waiting for his printout, until he asked me how long the print queue was (it was empty, had been for most of the 35 minutes.) very patient man, if nothing else... i mean, come on, even *i* know that an empty queue doesn't take 35 minutes to print, except when my assignment is due. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ - Hey, can you help me? my program doesn't work... - What is the problem, are you using Turbo Pascal?? - Yes, the program just blocks the machine... - Well, does it compile? - I don't know, it just doesn't run... I went to his computer and he told me: - You see? there's the .EXE file, if you run it it blocks the machine... - And where is your source, the .PAS file??? - I wrote it and renamed it to .EXE so it could run... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Remove the sleve, and insert the floppy disk into the drive." [hours of technical support later] "You know -- these vinyl covers they put on disks are really hard to get off..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [45 minutues of trying to fix a terminal -- including a process kill and a full shutdown (UNIX)] "Oh -- wait a second..... Oops, the intensity was just down. I have a login prompt now." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A bank clerk friend told me this the other day: An elderly customer came into the bank complaining the ATM wasn't working. She had been waiting for half an hour after "requesting a new cheque book" and it still hadn't come out yet! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A customer (wife of an obnoxious history professor, none the less) comes into the store with a Macintosh which I had just replaced a bad drive in a few days previously. She complained that it wasn't working again, implying that I didn't fix it right the first time. So, I get out the diagnotic tools, but can't find a thing wrong with it. I then checked some of the diskettes she brought in with it, and find that they are loaded with viruses. After cleaning up the diskettes, I explained to her that her computer probably got the virus by trading diskettes with someone whose computer was also infected. She then got a very sullen expression on her face and asked me, "Can a person catch this virus from their computer?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ On another occasion, a lady came into the store, apparently interested in buying a home computer. After surveying the models on display, she walks over to one and points the the monitor and keyboard saying, "I think I need one of these, and one of those, ..." She then points to the CPU and continues, "... but I don't think I need one of those. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ This one just happened. User walks into the office. "This disk doesn't work." Computer literate non-staff: "You have covered the disk slot with the label." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I guess it's my turn to contribute to this thread, so here goes: One of our lusers called me about a problem she was having with her PC, she was using a vt220 emulator to connect to one of our UNIX-boxes, and "half of her prompts were missing". Two days earlier I had set up the emulation software for her, and had checked that everything was ok, so I tried to get her to be a bit more specific (fat chance!). Anyway, to cut a long story short, it turned out that the screen on this particular PC was one of those fancy things where you can adjust the height, width vertical and horizontal placement of the screen image......she had accidentally shifted the whole image to the left, so the first half of her prompts were off-screen. :-) ----------------------------------------------------------------------- On my previous job a user needed a program but didn't have a modem, so I told him I'd overnight him a diskette. He then asked me if i could *fax* the diskette to him! If I didn't need my job I would have told him I would, but dominos was faxing me a pizza and he'd have to wait a bit. :) ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: Where can I get a BIOS upgrade for by 286 computer? Tech: The unit should have been shipped with the latest bios. Customer: Well I upgraded the processor myself, and my computer doesn't seem to work. Tech: What did you upgrade the processor to? Customer: I upgraded it to a 486DX-50. Tech: Sir... The 286 chip is soldered on the motherboard! Customer: I know, I took out my handy soldering iron and took it out and put the 486 on myself. Tech: Sir, the 486 is bigger than the 286. Customer: I know, I had to use quite a bit of solder to solder the extra pins together. Tech: Sir I have to put you on hold for a second. the Tech laughed so hard he almost fell out of his chair. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ In my first *real* job, I was not only responsible for programming but I also did customer support and training. Our company used to sell time on our computers so very small companies that couldn't afford computers at the time could do their bookkeeping, etc. One day, a new woman came in to use the trash-... i mean TRS-80 (boy I'm really dating myself ;-) She fumbled about for about 10 minutes but I paid no attention to her. Finally she came out & grumbled something about how the computer wouldn't turn on. I grilled her with the usual obvious questions: Did you turn the switch on? Did you plug it in? Did you turn on the switch on the power strip? She was sure she had done everything right. I was sure she neglected to plug one of the power cords into the power strip. So, I went to investigate and she was *RIGHT*, she *HAD* plugged everything in to the power strip... including the power strip's own power cord - talk about a ground loop! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A woman called the shop where she had bought a PC and complained that it didn't work properly: Every time she switched it on the screen was filled with characters. Two technicians were sent out and were met by a woman with tits about twice the size of Dolly Parton's and glasses about two centimeters thick. They asked her to switch on the computer. This she did, and then leaned over the keyboard to read what was on the screen... The problem was quickly solved. Submitted by: Neil Pawson @ smallworld.com