Enclosed find the Celestial Warranty card: Manufacturers of God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage of our product. In order to better serve your needs, we ask that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. 1. How did you find out about God? __ Newspaper __ Bhagavad-Gita __ Television __ Divine Inspiration __ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience __ Koran __ Communist Manifesto __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery __ Bible __ Other sources __ Torah (specify): _____________ 2. Which model God did you acquire? __ Yahweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Trifecta __ Jehova __ Jesus __ Alah __ Satan __ God __ None of the above, I was taken __ G_d in by a false god 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here: ____ 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply. __ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live __ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in who to despise __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself __ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Fear of murder by a missionary __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Needed a day away from work __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like Organ Music __ Need to feel Morally Superior __ My shrubbery caught fire & __ Tax write off told me to do it 5. Have you ever worshiped a God before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. __ Odin __ Cthulhu __ Zeus __ The Almighty Dollar __ Apollo __ Left Wing Liberalism __ Ra __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ The great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin __ The Sun __ Bill Clinton __ The Moon __ A burning cabbage __ The Grateful Dead __ Other: ________________ 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. __ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology __ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs Rock & Roll __ Biorhythms __ Bill Gates __ Tea Leaves __ EST __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Crystals __ Human Sacrifice __ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert __ Insurance policies __ Janet Reno __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Other:___________________ __ Barney Fife __ None 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)? a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know. What's Divine Intervention? 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent): a. Disasters flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 AOL 1 2 3 4 5 Windows 98 1 2 3 4 5 Janet Reno's wardrobe 1 2 3 4 5 b. Miracles rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues (except Shirley Mclaine) 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water(except Cuyahoga) 1 2 3 4 5 talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5 VCR that sets its own clock 1 2 3 4 5 Sadam Husein still alive 1 2 3 4 5 Marlins winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5 Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5 Bill Gates conceiving a child 1 2 3 4 5 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)