LH741: "Tower, give me a rough timecheck!" Tower: "It's tuesday, Sir." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not? Pilot: Yes. Tower: Yes what?? Pilot: Yes, SIR! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The following conversation took place at Zurich Airport recently: Morning: Take-off RWY 28 Landing RWY 16, alternate 14: Tower: Alitalia 194 - taxi to rwy 28, hold short AZ194: Ahhh, yes, taxi to rwy 28 Tower: AZ194, cleared for take-off AZ194: Ahhh, two minutes, need preflight (checks) 30 seconds later: Tower: Alitalia 194, YOU ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE OFF NOW. AZ194: Ehmmm, yes, yes, take off in two minutes meanwhile: Rwy 16 had a 737 with a flat, Rwy 14 was very busy, so a 767 from Cincinnati was rerouted to land on Rwy 28. The Crew of the 767 had been in the air for 8 hours. Tower: Alitalia 194, expedite take-off, we have Delta 767 final on 28 2 miles! AZ194: Ahhh, we need 30 more seconds... DL104: Hey Spaghetti, take-off or I'll fuck you from behind! AZ194 took of like the space shuttle... (Story by Salvatore Baia) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tower: Shamu Two Two, please state estimated time of arrival. Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo estabished ILS 16." Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm - and by the way: this is Wien Tower." Pilot: (pause) "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker." Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!" Pilot: (pause) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?" Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna! Pilot: (another pause) "But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!" Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck." Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tower: "Phantom-Formation crossing controlzone without clearance, state your callsign !" Pilot: "I'm not silly..." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Pilot: "Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up." Tower: "Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination ?" Pilot: "Leipzig, as allways on Monday" Tower: "But today is tuesday !" Pilot: "What!? we have the day off on Tuesday!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?" Pilot: "Negativ, Sir. It's only the same pilot." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading." Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tower: "Lufthansa 893, number one, checkcar on the runway." Pilot: "Roger. We'll check the car on the runway." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tower: "Flamingo 019, do you have a "Springbock" in sight, twelve o'clock five miles crossing from left to right ?" Pilot: "If you mean a 737...?" Tower: "Yeah, you got it, you got it !" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tower: "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you." Pilot: "Roger. Looking out for John Wayne." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles! Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems? Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass. Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Eggenfelden Info : D-EXXX pls. report persons aboard. D-EXXX (C-172) : Pilot and two pax and one dog. Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop) : Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tower: "Height and position please?" Pilot: "well, I'm six foot and am sitting at the front of the plane on the left hand side" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: German Air Force 269, you are cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read back. GAF 269: Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil. Tower: "Cannot read you, say again!" Pilot: "Again!"