i love to smoke, i love to smoke and i love to eat red meat i love to eat RAW
fuckin' read meat. Nothing i like better than sucking down a hot steaming
cheeseburger, and a butt at the same time. i love to smoke, i love to eat
red meat, and i only eat meat that comes from COWs that smoke, okay?
Special cows they grow in virginia with voice boxes in their necks.
'Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmo!'

I tried eating vegetarian, i feel like a wimp going into a restaurant,
"what do you want to eat sir? Broccoli?" Broccoli's a sidedish folks,
always was, always will be, okay? When they ask me what i want, i say
"What do you think i want? This is America, I want a bowl of raw red meat
right now. Forget about that! Bring me a live cow over to the table. I'll
carve off what I want, and ride the rest home!"

I'm gonna open my own place. Open my own restaurant and get away from you
people. Gonna open my own place with two smoking sections: Ultra and
regular, okay? And we're not gonna have any tables, or any chairs, or any
napkins, or any of that pussy shit, just a big wide open black space and
all we're gonna serve is raw meat RIGHT ON THE BONE. And only men are
gonna eat there, naked men, sitting around a big giant campfire. And no
menus there either, you gotta piss, mark your territory there like a WOLF!
And if some guy has a heart attack from eating too much meat, FUCK HIM, we
throw him on the fire, more meat for the other meat eaters, YEAARRRGH!

'Cause you gotta have goals. Cause everyone in room knows everybody who's
quittin' meat, you all have that friend who's quitting. You know the guy
who's quitting, "I quit smokin' I quit drugs I quit drinkin' I quit meat
and I feel GREAT! I get up in the morning, have a nice big bowl of oat
bran, I go to the bathroom for 3 and a half hours. I have another bowl of
oat bran, I go back into the bathroom for six more hours, all I do is eat
and shit, I'm gonna live forever. My colon is the strongest muscle in my
body right now. I could pass elvis through my colon right now." And all
these cereals they have, Kraklin' Oat Bran, and Horkin Fiber Chunks, you
know… cereal used to come with a free prize, now it comes with a free roll
of toilet paper in every box. Guys get up on Sunday morning, "Forget about
the New York Times, I'm gonna need the bible. I got a big one brewing
here." "Dad, there's a phone call!!" "I'm on Genesis goddamn it! You tell
them to call back after the Creation!"

People checking their own feces for fiber, you have too much free fucking
time on your hands, okay?

Red meat, white meat, blue meat, meat oh-fuckorama, you will eat it.
Because not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instint. Yeah, I
know what its about. "I don't want to eat the meat because I love the
aminals. I love the aminals." Yeah, I love the animals too, I love my
doggie he's so cute…my fluffy little dog… I love ya, he's so cute… Theres
the problem. We only wanna save the cute animals, don't we? Yeah, Why
don't we have animal auditions, line 'em up one by one, and interview them
individually. "What are you?" "I'm an otter." "And what do you do?" "I
swim around on my back and do cute little human things with my hands."
"You're free to go… and what are you?" "I'm a cow." "Get in the fuckin'
truck, okay pal?" "But I'm an animal." "You're a baseball glove, get on
that truck!" "I'm an animal, I have rights." "Here's your fuckin' cousin.
Get on the truck pal."

We kill the cow to make jackets out of them, and then we kill each other
for the jackets we made out of the cow.

You will eat the meat folks, because this country was founded on two
things: Meat and war. You eat enough fucking meat you wanna kill somebody,
that's the way it works. That was the ultimate American dream for me
during that Persian Gulf War, I was sitting in my living room, naked, with
a can of Budweiser and a three inch steak watching the war live on TV. I
had a six foot erection with a giant cheeseburger on the end of it. I ate
so much meat during the war, by the time it was over three weeks later, I
was like, "No no no, We… we need to keep fighting. Make a couple of stops
on the way home from the Persian gulf. First stop: Viet Nam. Surprise the
fuck out of those people, huh? "You make a movie?" "Not this time pal."

Personally, I think Mamma Cass said it best when she said "hackkkkkkkkkkkk
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhackkkkk."