1 - Assistant Principal's Big Day Performed by Adam Sandler [Speaking through a microphone] "Good morning students and faculty, If I could have your attention please. As you may, or may not know, Principal Cambell will not be here for the rest of the week due to a throat infection. Leaving me, assistant principal Dunbar, as the school's lone administrator for the next few days." "Though the policies set forth by Principal Cambell will remain the same, there will be some additional regulations you must also follow." "Number one - smoking outside the administration building will only be allowed during lunch periods." "Number two - the girls' showering facilities will be moved from the locker room into my inner office where I can watch the girls wash their breasts and buttocks while I play with myself." "Number three - while showering, none of the girls will be allowed to snicker or laugh at the size of my genitalia. Eye contact with me is also prohibited." "Number four - girls are encouraged to wash each other freely as I build towards orgasm." "Number five - while i am ejaculating, the boys gymnastic team must undress each other spread eagle in front of me and satify each other orally until I have completed ejaculating." "Finally, rule number six - any student caught writing grafitti or defacing school property will be automatically suspended, unless they are masturbating." "If you have any questions about these new regulations, I will be in my office spanking it with a thumb up my ass." "Good day" 2 - The Buffoon and The Dean of Admissions Performed by Adam Sandler and Conan O' Brien : "And now a buffoon's meeting with the dean of admissions at a prestigious college." Dean: "Well Michael, I would like to extend my warmest congradulations on your upcoming graduation and I understand you are interested in matriculating here in the fall." Buffoon: "I got a snake, man!" Dean: "Yes, pets are welcome here on campus. Be it the traditional dog, or cat, or even the occasional reptile." Buffoon: "One time I fed it some beer man! It was slithering this way and that! It was all fucked up!" Dean: "I'm sure it was. Well we discourage inappropriate drinking among both students and pets here on campus." Buffoon: "Fuckin' Shit!" Dean: "Yes, that's a not uncommon reaction to this policy. So tell me a little bit more about your background." Buffoon: "My father's a fucking asshole, man!" Dean: "Hmm, I see. Your feelings of rebelion are not unusual at your age son." Buffoon: "My mother's a piece of shit too!" Dean: "Well, I hope you can find an outlet for your hostility over the summer so you can come to school in the fall relaxed and ready to learn." Buffoon: "My teacher in high school was a stupid bitch, man! She had her head way up her ass!" Dean: "Well the quality of the faculty at a University such as ours far exceeds that of a local public high school." Buffoon: "Your secretary's a real fat bitch, man!" Dean: "Yes, she's tried many diets over the years with minimal success." Buffoon: "I had diarhea last month. I had to shit all fucking day!" Dean: "Uh huh, Well we all get the occasional stomach bug, never a pleasurable experience. So have you given any thought to your choice of major?" Buffoon: "I've got a big fucking boner right now." Dean: "I see. Well sexual arrousal is not uncommon during periods of nervous tension. I do not take offense." Buffoon: "One time I ate my neighbors shit!" Dean: "That's understandable. Well, I enjoyed meeting you. We'll be sending you our decision by the end of the month." Buffoon: "I bet you got really hairy balls." Dean: "Yes, it's a veritable forest down there. Bye bye." 3 - Buddy Performed by Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, David Spade, Tim Meadows, Tim Herlihy, and Robert Smigel [Moving Train] "Next stop! Coopersville!" [Two guys talking] "Hey Buddy" "Buddy!" "How was the bathroom Buddy, pretty gruesome?" "Buddy, I had to hold my breath Buddy!" "Eheh Buddy, don't even tell me about it Buddy!" "Buddy I know." "Buddy, M&M's?" "Chocolate me, Buddy!... Tasty Buddy!" "Buddy definitely" "Hey get in on this drink Buddy!" "Buddy, don't mind if I do" "It's a bloody, Buddy" "Buddy, it's good!" "BUDDY!" "Sorry Buddy" "Save me some Buddy!" "Buddy I said I was sorry!" "That's ok Buddy" [Two more guys enter] "Hey Dude!" "Hey Buddy!" "Dudes, you know this dude?" "What's up Dude?" "Hey Buddy" "Buddy, sit down" "Have some bloody Buddy" "Dude" "Dudes, here's a sixer, Budweiser time" "Yeah, Bud Buddy" "Yeah Dude" "Cold ones Dude" "Buddy, killer!" [Drinking] "I'm buzzing Buddy!" "Dude, I know!" [Female walking by] "Oh Dude, check it, she's killer!" "I want some of that Buddy" "Oh Buddy, save some for me" "Dude, that's my ex-girlfriend" "Oh, sorry Buddy" "Just watch it Dude!" "Hey lay off him Buddy" "Dude, don't get him started" "I said I was sorry Buddy" "Dude, let's just drop it" "Buddy?" "It's cool Dude" [Two more guys enter] "Hey Homey's" "What's up Homeys?" "Hey Buddy" "What's up Dude?" "Just chillin' Homey" "Cool Buddy" "Yeah Dude" "Buddy" "Homey" "Dude" "Homey" "Dude" "Buddy" "Dude, check it out, a prison" "Oh Buddy, imagine being stuck in there" "I know Dude, that would suck" "Homey, my brother is in there" "Oh Buddy" "Sorry about that Dude" "Bummer Buddy" "Bad timing Homey" "I know Buddy" "Sorry Dude" "Not your fault Homey" "I know, but Buddy" "No, it's cool Homey" "Dude, there's another train on this track" [Sound of another train] "Uh Buddy, it's coming at us" [Train horn sounding] "Dude!" "Homey!" "Buddy!" "Buddy!" "Homey!" "DUDE!" [Trains crashing] "Dude?" "Buddy, my head" "Homey, get off me" "Buddy, I can't see" "What just happened to us Dude?" "Homey, I told you, we should have taken the bus!" 4 - The Longest Pee Performed by Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider [Line of people talking] "Hey man, let me in there first" -"Go ahead man, take it easy" "Thanks, I really gotta pee" [Open door, close door] [Unzip pants] [Start pissin..........groaning....] "Oh man" [.....] "Ohhh yeah" [.....] "Ahhhh" [......Stop Briefly] "Ahh" [Start Pissing again..] "Oh man" [........] "Oh man" [...............] "Oh Man" [.......gets louder] "OH MAN" [..........and louder] "OH MAN!!" [............as loud as a hose] "OH MAN!!! OH.." [...........] "Oh no!" [........] "Oh Man!" [...............slows down] "ahhh" [Stops] "Ahhhhhh...There ya go" [Fart! Starts pissing loudly again] "Oh! OH MAN!" [..............] "OH MY GOD!" [Banging on the Door] [Pissing slows down to dribble] "I'll be out in a minute!" [....dribbling...] "oh..oh my" [Stops] "oh...Oh thank God" [Zips up pants] [Pisses in pants] "Awwww MAN!" [People laughing] -"Hey man, you pissed in your pants" "I know" -"So did I" "I guess that makes us piss pals" [Horrible annoying laughter] [Rasberry] 5 - Food Innuendo Guy Performed by Adam Sandler Ooooh yeah Baby, baby, baby, I wanna stew your tomato Baby, baby, baby, I want to french fry your potato Baby, baby, baby, won't you pluck my grapes Won't you peel my banana like a pack of wild apes? I'm your food innuendo guy, your food innuendo guy Baby, baby, baby, you got honeydew melons Baby, baby, baby, can't you see my brocolli swelin Oh baby, baby, baby, I wanna taste your watercress I wanna slip my celery stick up the back of your dress I'm your food innuendo guy, your food innuendo guy Oh what will it take Don't go so soon You'll miss my carrot cake And my cream of mushroom Oh baby, baby, baby, my jalapeno's red hot Baby, baby, baby, I wanna stuff all that cabbage you got I'm your food innuendo guy, food innuendo guy Oh yeah Oooooooh yeah Oh baby, baby, baby, you got eggplant parmigiana Baby, baby, baby, bite my zucchini if you wanna I'll give you fresh fruit salad I don't get it from no can Your string bean days are over I'm your cucumber man I'm your food inunendo guy, food innuendo guy Oh so delicious 6 - The Beating of a High School Janitor Performed by Adam Sandler "And now, the sever beating of a high school janitor." [Mopping sounds] Mop, mop, mop All day long Mop, mop, mop While I sing this song [Sound of someone walking towards him] Gonna wax the floor Gonna make it shine Gonna take of the spray paint With turpentine "Hey! Don't walk there! I just mopped!" [Person walking quickly towards him] [Beating sounds] "Hey!" [Beating sounds] "Get offa me!" [Beating sounds] "That's my bucket!" [Beating sounds] "Let go of my side burns!" [Beating sounds] [Sound of falling down into glass] 7 - Right Field Performed by Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, Tim Herlihy, and Steve Koren Russel: [Shouting] "Come on Robert! Pitch it in there, baby! We're behind you here in right field! One down! Two to go! Hum it now! Yeah! Show 'em the magic! This chump can't hit!" [Whispering to himself] "Please God, don't help him hit it to me. Anywhere but to right field. Please God, I bet you." [Shouting] "Come on now! No batter! No batter! Big whiffer! Big whiffer!" [Whispering] "Oh please, don't let him hit it to me. My God, not to me." [Shouting] "Steam it baby! Steam it!" [Whispering] "Oh God no, Oh God no, Oh God no, Oh God no." [Ball is hit] Russel: [Shouting] "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" [Whispering] "Oh good! It's not to me." [Shouting] "Good catch, Steven! Nice glove! You da man! Two away now! Lookin' good! We're all looking good out here! Come on Robert! This lump of crap can't hit!" [Whiserping] "Oh God, he's a leftie! A big leftie! Total power to hit it. He's gonna pile it right to me and there's nothing I can do to stop him." [Shouting] "Pitch 'em the funny one, Robert! Big whiffer! Big whiffer!" [Whispering] "Oh he is a natural athlete and I am so worthless. Please God, take his life. Make him die." [Shouting] "No batter! No batter!" [Ball is hit] Russel: [Whispering] "Oh God. This is not happening. No, don't do this to me. Please. Make it stop." [Ball hits Russel] Russel: "OWWWW! My elbow!" M1: "Throw it to second! Pick it up already!" Russel: "Take it! Just take the ball!" [Russel tosses the ball] M2: "Nice throw, you pansy!" Russel: [Whispering] "Ok, get under control. Easy now, easy. Say something to the team." [Shouting] "Good hussle everybody! Yeah! Nice work! Play's at third!" [Whispering] "That wasn't funny, Lord. I've been so good and for what!?" [Shouting] "Come on, Robert! Settle down! Just throw straight! You get it across the plate! We'll take care of the rest!" [Whispering] "Oh no, another lefty." [Ball is hit] Russel: [Shouting] "NOO! Why me again!?" [Ball hits Russel] Russel: "OWWWW! My neck!" [Panting & Whining] "I can't breath. I can't breath." M2: "Pick it up and throw it, you moron!" Russel: [Whining] "Here..come on, here.. Take the ball! Take it!" [Russel kicks ball] M1: "Way to kick it in, Pele!" Russel: [Shouting] "Oh hahaha. Pele! Good one! Hehehe.. Ok! Come on! Suck it up guys! We'll get those runs back! This is where we dig down! We just need one more out!" [Whispering] "Oh look! A rightie! Oh Lord, thank you. Thank you so much. I owe you." [Shouting] "This loser can't hit! No batter! Come on, this is where we take them out!" [Whispering] "Uh oh, what's happening? Where's the rightie going? What? Who's this guy? He's a leftie and he's pinch hitting. No! No!" [Shouting] "Why's he pointing at me!?" [Ball is hit] Russel: [Shouting] "Oh my Lord! What have I done to deserve this?!" M3: "I got it! I got it!" [Running over to the ball near Russel] [Thud! Crashes into Russel] M3: "Whoa! Sorry about that, Russel. Are you ok?" Russel: [Shouting] "HELL YEAH! We're up now! It's our turn to kick a little ass!" M3: "All right, Russel. I think you're up first." Russel: "NOOOOO!!" 8 - The Buffoon and the Valedictorian Performed by Adam Sandler and Jennifer Lien "And now the buffoon's date at the drive-in with the school's valedictorian." Valedictorian: "I really appreciate you're asking me out. Most people are intimidated by my high academic achievement." Buffoon: "This movie sucks shit!" Valedictorian: "Well, Ebel gave it thumbs up, but Ciscel thought it was too preachy. Anyway, I enjoyed the director's last film immensly." Buffoon: "Cathleen Turner has big fuckin' tits!" Valedictorian: "Yes, well, she recently had a child. I think her maternal biology may play a role in that. She looks fabulous for a woman her age, doesn't she?" Buffoon: "I put a firecracker in a bullfrog's mouth and blew his fuckin' head off." Valedictorian: "Well, in psychology we learned that it is not uncommon for male adolescents to commit savage acts on animals as part of their maturing process." Buffoon: "That girl in the fucking car in front of us, she gives everybody head." Valedictorian: "Well, I guess she's strong for attention and she feels promiscuity is the only way to obtain it." [Buffoon eating popcorn] Buffoon: "This popcorn's fuckin' terrible. It tastes like someone jizzed all over it." [Buffoon continues to eat popcorn] Valedictorian: "Well the amount of semen on this popcorn is certainly disturbing. Perhaps the staff in the refreshment stand was overcome by the monotony of their work and decided to play a childish prank." Buffoon: "I looked at my asshole in the mirror today. It blew my fuckin' mind!" Valedictorian: "It's ironic that parts of one's body seems odd and unusual because you don't see them on a day to day basis. Buffoon: "My father's shit stinks up the bathroom all fuckin' day!" Valedictorian: "It's puzzling why one person's fecal odor can be more overpowering than another's. I wonder whether it is a function of the food digested or that person's internal metabolism." Buffoon: "I'm gonna go get head from that fuckin' girl." [Gets out of the car] Valedictorian: "Well, I'm sorry to see the date come to such an abrubt conclusion." [Buffoon walking away] "I do appreciate the time you spent with me and look forward to a future rondevue." Buffoon: "I like to piss in that guy's fuckin' gas tank!" Valedictorian: "Bye bye! Have fun." [Buffoon continues to walk away] 9 - Mr. Spindel's Phone Call Performed by Adam Sandler and Steve Koren [Phone Rings] [Mr. Spindel picks it up] Mr Spindel: "Hullo!" Student: [Whispering] "Hey Mr. Spindel. How's algebra class going?" [Chuckling] Mr Spindel: "Whut!?" Student: [Whispering] "You're in for a big surprise tommorrow during 5th period!" [Chuckling] Mr Spindel: "Hey! Who is this!" [Student Hangs up phone] [Dial tone] Mr Spindel: "Hullo!" [Dial tone] Mr Spindel: "Hullo!" [Dial tone] Mr Spindel: "Who is this!?" [Dial tone] Mr Spindel: "Hullo!" [Dial tone] Mr Spindel: "Answer me!" [Dial tone] Mr Spindel: "Who is this!?" [Dial tone] Mr Spindel: "Hullo!" [Dial tone] Mr Spindel: "For God's sake! Who are you!?" [Dial tone] Mr Spindel: "Hullo!" [Dial tone] [Operator recording playing "If you'd like to make a call..."] Mr Spindel: "Who is that!?" [Recording continues] Mr Spindel: "Hullo!" [Recording continues] Mr Spindel: "Who are you!?" [Recording continues] Mr Spindel: "Please answer me!" [Silence] [Bleeping noise] Mr Spindel: "Oh God! Who is this!?" [Bleeping] Mr Spindel: "Please stop it! Why are you doing this!?" [Bleeping] Mr Spindel: "WHY!? WHY!?" [Bleeping] Mr Spindel: "Just tell me your name." [Bleeping] Mr Spindel: "Please." [Bleeping] Mr Spindel: "I'm gonna hang up!" [Bleeping] Mr Spindel: "I'm warning you!" [Bleeping] Mr Spindel: "Hullo!" [Bleeping] Mr Spindel: "Whoever this is, I'm gonna hang up!" [Bleeping] Mr Spindel: "That's it!" [Bleeping] Mr Spindel: "Damn you kids!!" [Bleeping] Mr Spindel: "Damn you!!" [Slams down phone] [Phone rings] [Mr. Spindel picks it up] Mr Spindel: "Hullo?" Ted: "Yeah, Bill." Mr Spindel: "Oh, TED!" Ted: "I've been trying to get through to you forever. Who have you been talking to?" Mr Spindel: "I don't know. So help me God! I don't know!" 10 - The Thanksgiving Song Performed by Adam Sandler "They wanna hear the thanksgiving song! All right.." "This is uhh, This is the Thanksgiving Song" "I hope you enjoy it." [Starts playing] Love to eat turkey Love to eat turkey Shout from Crowd: "I love you Adam!" Adam Sandler: "Ohhh, I love you!" Love to eat turkey 'Cause it's good Love to eat turkey Like a good boy should 'Cause it's turkey to eat So good Adam Sandler: "That clappin's messing my head up man. I appreciate it. But I was trying to think of the next line and all I hear is clapping. Here we go... Thanks anyways" Turkey for me Turkey for you Let's eat the turkey In my big brown shoe Love to eat the turkey At the table I once saw a movie With Betty Grable Eat that turkey All night long Fifty million Elvis fans Can't be wrong Turkey lurkey doo and Turkey lurkey dap I eat that turkey Then I take a nap Thanksgiving is a special night Jimmy Walker used to say Dynomite That's right Turkey with gravy and cranberry Can't believe the Mets traded Darryl Strawberry Turkey for you and Turkey for me Can't believe Tyson Gave that girl V.D. White meat, dark meat You just can't lose I fell off my moped And I got a bruise Turkey in the oven And the buns in the toaster I'll never take down My Cheryl Tiegs poster Wrap the turkey up In aluminum foil My brother likes to masturbate With baby oil Turkey and sweet potato pie Sammy Davis Jr. Only had one eye Turkey for the girls and Turkey for the boys My favorite kind of pants Are corduroys Gobble gobble goo and Gobble gobble gickel I wish turkey Only cost a nickel Oh I love turkey on Thanksgiving Happy Thanksgiving everybody! 11 - The Beating of a High School Bus Driver Performed by Adam Sandler "And now, the sever beating of a high school bus driver." [Kids getting on the bus] "How are ya, Bryan?" "Good morning, Lisa." "Good to see ya, Tommy!" "Hey, good morning, Cyle! Nice new backpack!" "Watch your step now, Joseph." "Uhh, young man. Can I help you? Can I see your bus pass, please?" [Beating sounds] "Sir, please!" [Beating sounds] "I drive with that hand!" [Beating sounds] "Children! Call for help!" [Beating sounds] "Holy geez, no!" [Beating sounds] "That's me! Oh yes, oh!" [Beating sounds] [Final crack, horn sounding] 12 - Oh Mom... Performed by Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, David Spade, Jennifer Lien, Andrew Leeds, Meghan Andrews, and Robert Smigel [Silverware clicking] M1: "Can you pass the beats please?" F1: "Here you go" M1: "Thanks" Brad: "Hey Mom, guess what? I got invited to a party tonight! And I'm gonna go if that's ok with you." Mom: "NOOO!!" Brad: "Why not Mom?" F1: "Yeah, why mom? He should go." Brad: "It's gonna be fun. I'll get to meet new people..." Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!" Brad: "Oh mom..." Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!" F1: "Don't wory Brad." F2: "Hey mom, I saw this great skirt at the mall today, but it was $34, which isn't that high of a price, but I was nervous to buy it. What do you think? Mom: "NOOO!!" F2: "Really? I really like it..." Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!" F2: "Oh mom, who is?" Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!" F2: "Mom, you're so paranoid." Mom: "NOOO!!" M3: "Hey mom, I gotta get up pretty early tommorrow for Little League try-outs." Mom: "NOOO!!" M3: "Yeah, I have to be at the field at 9 o'clock..." Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!" M3: "Do you think you could drop me off there?..." Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!" M3: "How am I gonna get there?" Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!" M3: "I'll walk I guess." Mom: "NOOO!!" Cindy: "Mom, can you pass the salad dressing?" Mom: "NOOO!!" Cindy: "Please?" Mom: "NOOO!!" Cindy: "Come on, mom." Mom: "NOOO!!" Brad: "I'll get it for you Cindy." Cindy: "Thanks Brad." Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!" Cindy: "Thanks for the tip, Ma." Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!" Brad: "Hey everyone, let's just go out for ice cream." Mom: "NOOO!!" Brad: "Why are we eating inside? It's a beautiful night. We need to get out more." Mom: "NOOO!!" Cindy: "Mother, Brad is right." Mom: "NOOO!!" Cindy: "We should go out, it'll be fun." Mom: "NOOO!!" Cindy: "Come on, let's go, I could go for some Maple Walnut." Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!" M3: "Yeah, we haven't gone out together in a long time." Mom: "NOOO!!" Cindy: "You wanna come Dave?" Mom: "NOOO!!" Dave: "No, I'll hang out with mom." M1: "You sure?" Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!" Dave: "Yeah, go without me." M3: "All right, see you guys later." Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!" Dave: "How are you, mom? Great meal tonight. Sure is... You sure know how to cook! Boy, oh boy, you're quite a lady. Say mom, uhm, can I go canoeing next weekend with my friend Barry?" Mom: "NOOO!!" Dave: "Please?" Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!" Dave: "Mom, you're over reacting!" Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!" Dave: "Why are you so overprotective!?" Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!" Dave: "Mom! I'm going to the ice cream place! You're just so set in your ways it drives me crazy!" [Bangs on the table, gets up] Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!" [Screen door closes] Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at him!" 13 - Fatty McGee Performed by Adam Sandler, David Spade, Tim Herlihy, Steve Koren, and Tim Meadows [Typical library sounds, squeekin chairs/doors] [Talking quietly] M1: "Ms. Murphy is such a pain, man." M2: "We just had a test a week ago. Now we gotta take another one tommorrow. This sucks!" M1: "And it counts for 80 percent of our grade." M2: "Well we better study our butts off." M1: "Well we came to the right place, the ever so quiet library." M2: "Ok, enough talking, let's study!" M1: "All right." [Turning pages] [Heavy steps] M2: "Uh oh" M1: "Oh no! Fatty McGee is coming. We'll never get any studying done with him in the library." [Heavy steps continue] M2: "Oh god, he's taking the stairs! That means he's going to be way out of breath!" [Fatty whining, try to catch breath] M1: "Oh no, he's going to sit with us." Fatty: [Annoying whining voice] "Hey fellas, studying for the big test?" M1: "Uh, yes Fatty, we were." Fatty: [Still trying to catch breath] "Great! I'll join ya." [Fatty pulls out chair and falls into it, still whining horribly] M2: "Hey Fatty, why don't you go to the bathroom 'till you catch your breath?" Fatty: "No, no, I'm catching it!" [Fatty continuing to whine and snort] M1: "Ok, ok Fatty, but try to keep the wheezing level down, we're trying to concentrate." Fatty: [Continuing to wheeze and whine louder] "Sure, no problem." M1: "Oh man." Fatty: [Still snorting and whining loudly] "This test counts for eighty percent of our grade, you know." [Whining continues even louder] M1: "Yes Fatty, we know, we just said that." [Wheezing continues a little softer] M2: "Fatty! Please keep it down!" [Fatty makes snoring/whining sounds] M2: "Is he sleeping!?" M1: "No, it's his deviated sceptum. Seriously Fatty, keep the breathing down." [Snoring stops, more weird noise starts] M2: "Ahh geez Fatty, what's wrong with you!?" Fatty: [Pausing, snorting] "I'm trying." [Whining continues] M1: "Fatty, you know what's going to happen! Stop breathing so heavy! Please we gotta study!" [Whining gets higher and higher until it's continuous] M2: "Oh no, that one's going to do it!" [Fire alarm sounding, fire trucks honking their horns, sirens reeling] M2: "Fatty, the fire department thinks the fire alarm went off again!" Fatty: [Continuing his LOUD annoying whine] "I'm sorry!" Fireman Ray: "Fire! Man the building!" M1: "Sorry Fireman Ray, it's not the fire alarm." Fireman Ray: "Fatty McGee, is that you again!?" Fatty: [Stillin whining annoyingly] "Yes." [Snort] "Sorry." [Snort] Fireman Ray: "Didn't we tell you not to take the stairs anymore!?" Fatty: [Whiney voice] "But I like the stairs!" Fireman Ray: [annoyed] "Why!?" Fatty: [Still whining horribly] "They're fun!" Fireman Ray: "Oh Fatty McGee, you're the fattest!" [Everyone laughing at stupid joke] [Raspberry] 14 - At a Medium Pace Performed by Adam Sandler Put your arms around me baby Can't you see I need you so Hold me close against your skin I'm about to begin Lovin' you Spit on your hand and stroke my cock At a medium pace Play with my balls and tell me How big they are Honey, rub your beaver Up and down my face Sit on the corner of the bed And watch me whack off You seehat shampoo bottle Now stick it up my ass Push it in and out At a medium pace Talk about your old boyfriend's dick And how big it was Now shave off my pubes And punch me in the face Whoa darlin' Make me push my dick and balls Back between my legs Call me an ugly woman And take my picture to show All the people you work with Now pull up my scrotum And take the shampoo bottle Out of my ass Pretend I'm the pizza delivery guy And watch me whack off Strap on a dildo And make me give you head Tell me to slow down And do it at a medium pace I feel so humiliated I'm about to blow my load You tell me it's time to make love But now I can't 'Cause I spewed all over myself Then you look into my eyes And you realize How much I enjoy lovin' you I'm so sorry I spunked on my stomach Maybe next time I'll be better at lovin' you 15 - The Beating of a High School Science Teacher Performed by Rob Schneider "And now the severe beating of a high school science teacher." [Lecturing] "Zinc is by far the best element." "I also like plutonium." "It's just fun to say." "Plutonium." [Sound of someonee walking towards him] "How's your plutonium?" "Good, thank you." "Excuse me!" "Hello! The office is closed. So, if you wouldn't mind,.. Sir, what are you doing?" "Hey! Get off of me!" [Beating sounds] "You're breaking the beakers!" [Beating sounds] "Those are my best goggles!" [Beating sounds] 16 - The Cheerleader Performed by Adam Sandler and Steve Koren [Sound of pom-poms] Cheerleader: [With annoying feminine voice] "Ok you guys, let's hear some spirit!" [Performing cheer] Cheerleader: "United, we are united.. We'll be 'cause we're the Tigers, we're out for vic-tor-y - Yeah!" [No response] Cheerleader: "Come on you guys! I wanna hear you!" [Still no response] Cheerleader: "Come on! The girls volleyball team's got a big game tonight! And we're gonna win 'cause we're the -" Guy in crowd: "Sit down!" Cheerleader: "You guys are assholes!" [Whining] "You think this asy being a cheerleader!? Let's see you come down here and try it!" Guy: "Shut up!" Cheerleader: "You're the one who should be shutting up! This is my senior year of cheerleading and you're ruining it! I paid for my pom-poms with my own money." [Half-crying] Guy: "You suck!" Cheerleader: [Hurt] "I was gonna do a split for you guys, but now I'm not gonna cuz you guys don't appreciate anything." [Something hurled and hit Cheerleader] Cheerleader: "Owwww! Who threw that!? I'm gonna get a bruise now! I hate my school!" [Whining] [Crowd cheering softly in background] Guy: "We're sorry." [Pause] Guy: "Just kidding, you suck!" Cheerleader: [Half-crying] "Ahhaw..No..." 17 - I'm So Wasted Performed by Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider [Sound of crickets. Guy walks across grass] Joe: "Hey pal! How ya doin?" M2: "I'm so wasted, man." Joe: "Yeah, you are, oh ho ho!" M2: "Thanks man." Joe: "It's good party, huh?" M2: "Oh, it's great man." Joe: "Hey that's some good acid, huh?" M2: "Oh, killer man." Joe: "Hey, my pleasure." M2: "I've never been higher." Joe: "Oh ho, you must be freaking out." M2: "Acid's great man." Joe: "It's the best." M2: "Everytime I do acid man, I'm so high." Joe: "Yeah, oh, you must be flipping out right now." M2: "This is the best acid, man." Joe: "What are you seein, man?" M2: "Oh, I, that cloud up there, man." Joe: "Whoa" M2: "It's got a vein in it." Joe: "Oh-Holy Cow! Really!?" M2: "And it's bleeding on me, man." Joe: "It's bleeding on ya? Well watch out!" M2: "Look at my hand, man." Joe: "Yeah?" M2: "It-It's moving, but it's not moving." Joe: "It's not?" M2: "It's still there, but it looks like it's moving." Joe: "Hey, yeah to you it is." M2: "I'm so high." Joe: "Yeah, you must be flipping out." M2: "I'm flipping out off it." Joe: "Hallucinations, man." M2: "Acid..right." Joe: "Hey, I got some news fer ya." M2: "I'm seeing stuff, man." Joe: "Yeah, yer seeing stuff." M2: "RIght." Joe: "Well, that's what happens when you take acid, but you know what?" M2: "What man?" Joe: "Uhhh, that really wasn't acid. That was just a little piece of paper I ripped off of my notebook." [Silence] M2: "Wha? It's probly this weed I'm smokin', man." Joe: "Oh, that weed." M2: "That Thai bud, man." Joe: "Whoa." M2: [Laughing] "Everything's hilarious." Joe: [Laughing] "That's funny man. Look at that guy." M2: [Laughing] "That's funny man." Joe: [Laughing] "Look at that guy's hat man." M2: [Laughing] "Everything's funny to me, man." Joe: "Right. Hey, how man bones didya smoke? A few joints, man?" M2: "I had about four." Joe: "Whoa, that's a lot of bones to be smokin', man." M2: "The whole thing's man." Joe: "Yeah, you sucked 'em down yerself." M2: "Ain't that hilarious!?" Joe: "You didn't wanna share, didja?" M2: "It was great stuff, man." Joe: "Aww, yeah, hey I got some news on that stuff too." M2: "Hey what man?" Joe: "That's the stuff I sold you, right? M2: "Yeah, right." Joe: "Yeah" M2: "It's funny, man." Joe: "Well, well, uh.." M2: "I'm wasted off it, man." Joe: "Yeah, well that's good. You smoked it, right?" M2: "Right." Joe: "Well that really wans't weed." [Pause] Joe: "No it wasn't, it was pencil shavings in a bag." [Silence] Joe: "Yeah." M2: "Well, it's probably this beer. This beer I'm drinking, man. I must be drunk off it or something. Ya know, I had about eighteen of them, man." Joe: "Whoa, oh really!?" M2: "I'm just..wasted off 'em." Joe: "That's a lot of beer for a man to drink." M2: "Man, I gotta pea pretty soon, man." Joe: "You didn't dump 'em out in the woods, didja?" M2: "No..no..no.. I drank all of them." Joe: "Right, yeah. I saw you..that's good. Hey didja eat today?" M2: "No, I'm on an empty stomach." Joe: "Whoa, you must be ..yea.. extra buzz for you." M2: "..And that's why I'm so wasted off it man, it's like I'm seeing things, man." Joe: "Yeah, you can hardly stand, man." M2: "You should take my car keys, cuz I can't drive, man." Joe: "Right, right." M2: "I can barely walk." Joe: "Hey man, you better open those eyes up, they're half shut." M2: "There's two of you, man. I can't see anymore, man, I'm blind!" Joe: "Right.. I got the beers, huh? I'm the man, right?" M2: "Yeah, you are the man." Joe: "Say it. Say I'm the man." M2: "Yer da man!!" Joe: "Okay, well that beer.." M2: "Yeah?" Joe: "There was no alcohol in that beer." [Pause] Joe: "That was non-alcoholic. So..uhh..again, I'm gonna have to bust you on this one. You're lying." [Silence] M2: [Mumbling] "I'll be right back." Joe: "Ok, buddy, you go sober up." [Walking different directions, gun goes off] Joe: "Oh my God! He killed himself! He killed himself!" [Runs over] Joe: "Oh my God! You killed yerself, buddy." M2: "Yeah, I'm dead, man." Joe: "Oh my, oh yer dead." M2: "Yeah, I'm dead, man." Joe: "That is awefull." M2: "There's a big white light and everything, man." Joe: "Yeah! Well you showed us all, man." M2: "Oh man, I'm so peaceful here man." Joe: "Yeah, you see anything weird, or.." M2: "My relatives, man, a big white light, and my grandfather's there and.." Joe: "Ooooh, I remember him, he's a good guy." M2: "He's still wearing the same clothes, and.." Joe: "Hey, say hello fer me, huh?" M2: "Hey man, Joe says hi, man." Joe: [Chuckling] "Right." M2: "It's yeah..My uncle's here and..." Joe: "Right..right.. Hey I got some news for ya. This is so funny." M2: "Yeah? What, man?" Joe: "Yeah, yeah, before you go, up to heaven. The gun, you killed yerself with, that's the one I sold you, right?" M2: "Yeah." Joe: "Yeah, well that was a cap gun. So, there's no way you could have killed yourself." [Pause] Joe: "Yeah, that's right, ok.. I'm going back to the party. Ok, take care." [Walks back] M2: [Whimpering and crying] "I'm moving to a different town man." - "Four weeks later." [Pouring drink] M2: "Oh this beer is great, man. This tequila is really strong, man. It's got a worm, and everything in it, man." Buffoon: "Fuckin' shit!" M2: "All being in the sun, you're even more wasted. Fuckin' shit is right, man! I am totally wasted now, man. I should maybe get an umbrella or something and go in the shade." Buffoon: "I know a guy who can suck his own dick." M2: "Yeah, I know a guy who can do that too. He's the drummer from Molly Hatchet and one night we had two cases of Southern Comfort, man. We were so wasted off it. I'm serious man." 18 - Lunchlady Land Performed by Adam Sandler "This is a song..." "This is uhh, This is a new song..." "It's through the eyes of one of the greatest people alive, I feel..." "The Lunchlady" [Laughing] Woke up in the morning Put on my new plastic glove Served some reheated salisbury steak With a little slice of love Got no clue what the chicken pot pie is made of Just know everything's doing fine Down here in Lunchlady Land Well I wear this net on my head 'Cause my red hair is fallin' out I wear these brown orthopedic shoes 'Cause I got a bad case of the gout I know you want seconds on the corndogs But there's no reason to shout Everybody gets enough food Down here in Lunchlady Land Well yesterday's meatloaf is today's sloppy joes And my breath reeks of tuna And there's lots of black hairs coming out of my nose In Lunchlady Land your dreams come true Clouds made of carrots and peas Mountains built of shepherds pie And rivers made of macaroni and cheese But don't forget to return your trays And try to ignore my gum disease No student can escape the magic of Lunchlady Land Hoagies & grinders, hoagies & grinders Hoagies & grinders, hoagies & grinders Navy beans, navy beans, navy beans Hoagies & grinders, hoagies & grinders Navy beans, navy beans Meatloaf sandwich sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe Well I dreamt one morning That I woke up to see All the pepperoni pizza Was a-looking at me It screamed, why do you burn me And serve me up cold I said I got the spatula Just do what you're told Then the liver & onions Started joining the fight And the chocolate pudding Pushed me with all its might And the chop suey slapped me And it kicked me in the head It's called revenge Lunchlady Said the garlic bread I said what did I do To make you all so mad They said you got flabby arms And your breath is bad Then the green beans said You better run and hide But then my friend sloppy joe came And joined my side He said if it wasn't for the Lunchlady The kids wouldn't eatcha You should be shakin' her hand And sayin' please to meet ya She gives you a purpose And she gives you a goal You should be kissin' her feet And kissin' her mole Now all the angry foods Just leave me alone And we all live together In a happy home Thanks to sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe [Spoken] Well me & sloppy joe got married We got six kids and we're doing' just fine Down in Lunchlady Land 19 - The Beating of a High School Spanish Teacher Performed by Adam Sandler "And now the severe beating of a high school spanish teacher." [Lecturing] [Writing on chalk board] "Juan es muy guapo." [Door opens, walking towards her] "Hola." "Senor?" "Hay problema?" "Mi casa es su casa." [Scream] [Beating sounds] "Ayuda! Ayudame!" [Beating sounds] "Ayudame!" [Beating sounds] "Bibliotecha!" [Beating sounds] "No!" [Beating sounds] [Beating sounds] [Falls to the floor] 20 - Toll Booth Willie Performed by Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, Tim Meadows, David Spade, Steve Koren, Tim Herlihy, and Margaret Ruden [Car approaches] Toll Booth Willie: "Welcome to Worchester. Dollar twenty-five please." M1: "Hey, how ya doin' Toll Booth Willie?" Toll Booth Willie: "Good! Thanks fer askin, pop!" M1: "Aww, that's great, you know, considering yer a fuckin' idiot!" [Pays toll and drives off] Toll Booth Willie: "Go fuck yourself you son of a bitch! I'll come right outta the booth and fuckin' whack ya, you fuckin' prick!" [Another car approaches] M2: "Hey, hey, Willie! Hows it going?" Toll Booth Willie: "Hey, can't complain, pop. Hows 'bout you?" M2: "Oh, great, great. How much?" Toll Booth Willie: "The state charges a dollar twenty-five, pop." M2: "That's fine. Now should I give you the money, or shold I shove the quarters directly up your fat ass!?" [Pays toll and drives off] Toll Booth Willie: "Why you fuckin' hard on! I'll fucking Carlton Fisk yer fuckin' head with a Louise-ville fuckin' slugger! Whadya think of that ass fuck!?" [Another car approaches] F1: "Hi Willie." Toll Booth Willie: "Oh, nice to see ya M'am. Not a bad day, huh?" F1: "Well, I'm a little lost. Could you help me out? I hear your the best with directions." Toll Booth Willie: "Well I know my way around New England. I can tell ya that much. So where ya headed?" F1: "Well, I was just wondering exactly which is the best way to drive up your ass. You know, if you'd tell me, I'd appreciate it, you fuckin' prick." [Drives off] Toll Booth Willie: "You fuckin' bitch! Fuck you! You forgot to pay the fuckin' toll you dirty whore! I'll fuckin' drop you with a boot to the fuckin' skull you cum guzzling queen!" [Anothercar approaches] M3: "Hey Willie." Toll Booth Willie: "Hey, how are ya?" M3: "Here's a dollar twenty-five, and go fuck yourself." [Pays toll and drives off] Toll Booth Willie: "Dah, you fuckin' prick! I hope you choke on a fuckin' bottle cap, ya fuckin' son of a fuck! Eat shit! Eat my shit!" [Another car approaches] Bishop Nelson: "Hello Willie. Good to see you." Toll Booth Willie: "Ahhh, Bishop Nelson. Nice to see ya. That was quite a sermon you had the other day." Bishop Nelson: "Hey, well I do my best." Toll Booth Willie: "Dollar twenty-five, Bishop." Bishop Nelson: "Dollar twenty-five, Willie. Isn't that the same price your mother charges for a blow job, you piece of dog shit!?" [Pays toll and drives off] Toll Booth Willie: "Ohhh! Have another one, you fuckin' lush! It's not my fault the bartender cut ya off last night ya fuckin' douche bag!" [Another car approaches] M5: "Hey!" Toll Booth Willie: "Well hey!" M5: "Yeah, do you want the money, or should I just shove the quarters directly up your fat ass!?" [Pays toll and drives off] Toll Booth Willie: "Well, I already heard that one you fuckin' unoriginal bastard! Go suck a corn you fuckin' piece of repeatin' shit!" [Another car approaches] F2: "Hi." Toll Booth Willie: "Oh, hi. How are ya?" F2: "Fine, thank you. How much is the toll please?" Toll Booth Willie: "For you sweetheart, it's a dollar twenty-five." F2: "Here ya go." [Pays toll] F2: "Thank you." [Begins to drive off] Toll Booth Willie: "Hey! Hey! Honey! Would you like a receipt with that?" F2: "Oh, I almost forgot. Thank you so much." [Toll Booth Willie scribbling a receipt for her] Toll Booth Willie: "And here ya are." F2: "Umm, do you think you could sign it?" Toll Booth Willie: "Oh, uh.. sign it?" F2: "Yeah, sign Toll Booth Willie was here." Toll Booth Willie: "Ok, sure. Uhh, by the way, what is this for?" [Signing receipt] F2: "Just so I could have proof for my friends that I met the biggest fuckin' dip shit with the smallest dick alive. You understand." [Drives off] [Crumples up paper] Toll Booth Willie: "Fuck you, you fuckin' upity bitch! I'll fuckin' fuck you and all your lesbian fish-eating friends in front of your fuckin' mothers! You're gonna die, bitch! I'm comin' outta the booth!" [Opens the door and runs out of the booth] [Car screeches and hits him] Toll Booth Willie: "Ooooh! My fuckin' leg!" M6: "Hey! You ran over Toll Booth Willie!" M7: "Oh my God! I was always wondering what it would be like to run over a dried up stinky dick licker." Toll Booth Willie: "Why you fuckin' pricks. I fuckin' hear every fuckin' word yer saying! When this fuckin' leg heals, I'm gonna kick you guys new fuckin' assholes! [Everyone cussing eachother out] 21 - Teenage Love On The Phone Performed by Adam Sandler and Allen Covert Richie: "So ya doin' good?" Samantha: "Ya, I'm fine, how 'bout you?" Richie: "How good could I be? I haven't seen you in three hours." Samantha: "Ohhh, Richie. Hey Richie, my dad's down the hall, and he doesn't want me on the phone. So if I hang up on you, it's just because he's coming." Richie: "Ok. So look, uh, do you wanna meet at the Spring Fling Dance thi..." [She hangs up phone] [Phone rings] Richie: "Hello?" Samantha: "Sorry, I thought he was coming." Richie: "That's ok. So, about the dance. Do you wanna meet Samantha: "Umm, well my brother gets the car on Friday nights." Richie: "Well that's ok, I'll come by and get you. Lets say around..." [She hangs up phone] Richie: "Come on.." [Phone rings] Richie: "Hey." Samantha: "Sorry. I guess he was just going to the bathroom." Richie: "That's ok. Well look, uh.. what was I saying? Oh yeah, should I pick you up at like seven-thirty or maybe do you wanna go later when the dance is really kickin.." [She hangs up the phone again] Richie: "Give me a break..." [Phone rings] Richie: "Hello." Samantha: "Sorry. It was just my dog." Richie: "Hey, what's your dad's problem anyways!? Why can't we talk?" Samantha: "He just thinks I'm on the phone too much. Oh my God, uh, I gotta go." Richie: "Don't hang up!" Samantha: "Richie, I can't talk!" Richie: "No, I'm sick of this! Put your dad on the phone! I wanna talk to him." Samantha: "It's not my dad." Richie: "What? Well, who's there? Why can't you talk?" Samantha: "Uh, just look Richie, someone is here." Richie: "Who's there? Is it a guy!?" Samantha: "Richie!" Richie: "I knew it! I'll kill him! Put him on the phone!" Samantha: "oh.. it's just.. hold on." [Hands phone to guy] Richie: "Hey man! What the hell are you doing there!? Samantha's my girl! You'd better stay away from her or I'll make you wish you were never born!" Buffoon: "Fuckin' shit!" Richie: "Yeah, fuckin' shit is right buddy! Don't think I'm kidding around, man! I'm crazy! I'll smash your head in! I swear to God!" Buffoon: "One time I saw my Grandmother in the shower. Her bush starts above her belly button." Richie: "Yeah, well that's too bad! But I'm still gonna come over there and beat your face in!" [Richie slams down phone] Samantha: "What happened? Was he mad?" Buffoon: "My neighbor's dog has a four inch clit!" Samantha: "Oh Buffoon, you're the coolest." [Whispering] "I love you..." 22 - My Little Chicken Performed by Adam Sandler When I'm feeling down And feeling sad You come around And make me glad I got you Oh, my little chicken I love your feet I love your breasts I love the way you eat gravel To help you digest Oh, my little chicken People say you're using me In your heart you're a killer But I know the worst I should fear is A slight case of salmonella So lie right back Don't you cry If an egg can fit in there Why can't I.....mmmmmmm Oh my little Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawk Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawk Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawking Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawking Bawk You're my love My little chicken likes To wear garter belts