Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar 


 DECEMBER 1
 ______________
     Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.  Spray paint gold,
     turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. 


 DECEMBER 2
 ______________
     Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message 
     for answering machine.


 DECEMBER 3
 ______________
     Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion 
     cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.


 DECEMBER 4
 ______________
     Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. 


 DECEMBER 5
 ______________
     Get new eyeglasses.  Grind lenses myself. 


 DECEMBER 6
 ______________
     Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for 
     consideration.


 DECEMBER 7
 ______________
     Debug Windows '95


 DECEMBER 10
 ______________
     Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. 


 DECEMBER 11
 ______________
     Lay Faberge egg.


 DECEMBER 12
 ______________
     Take Dog apart. Disinfect.  Reassemble. 


 DECEMBER 13
 ______________
     Collect Dentures.  They make excellent pastry cutters, 
     particularly for decorative pie crusts.


 DECEMBER 14
 ______________
     Install plumbing in gingerbread house. 


 DECEMBER 15
 ______________
     Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" 
     in case tires are shot out at mall.


 DECEMBER 17
 ______________
     Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. 


 DECEMBER 19
 ______________
     Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will 
     be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. 


 DECEMBER 20
 ______________
     Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's 
     sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.


 DECEMBER 21
 ______________
     Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices 
     and cinnamon sticks.


 DECEMBER 22
 ______________
     Float votive candles in toilet tank. 


 DECEMBER 23
 ______________
     Seed clouds for white Christmas. 


 DECEMBER 24
 ______________
     Do my annual good deed.  Go to several stores.  Be seen
     engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many 
     people feel less inadequate than they really are.


 DECEMBER 25
 ______________
     Bear son.  Swaddle.  Lay in color coordinated manger scented 
     with homemade potpourri.


 DECEMBER 26
 ______________
     Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. 


 DECEMBER 27
 ______________
     Build snowman in exact likeness of God. 


 DECEMBER 31
 ______________
     New Year's Eve!   Give staff their resolutions.
     Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the 
     clock strikes midnight in that country.