Q. What, exactly, is the Internet?
A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government, business,
   and private computer systems.

Q. Who runs it?
A. A 13-year-old named Jason.

Q. How can I get on the Internet?
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial"on-line"
   services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, or America Online, which will give
   you their program disks for free. Or, if you just leave your house
   unlocked, they'll sneak in some night and install their programs on your
   computer when you're sleeping. They really want your business.

Q. What are the benefits of these services?
A. The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly"
   interfaces that enable you-even if you have no previous computer
   experience-to provide the on-line services with the information they need
   to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill forever.

Q. What if I die?
A. They don't care.

Q. Can't I cancel my account?
A. Of course! You can cancel your account at any time.

Q. How?
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been trying fo
   years to cancel our on-line service accounts, but no matter what we do,
   the charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of entering the
   Federal Witness Protection Program.

Q. What if I have children?
A. You'll want an anesthetic because it really hurts.

Q. No, I mean: What if my children also use my Internet account?
A. You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to the
   on-line service right now.

Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm connected to
   an on-line service?
A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end of things!

 Like what?
A. You can ... ummmm ... er ... uh ... OK! I have one! You can chat.

Q. Chat?
A. Chat.

Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all over the
   entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of whom are boring
   and stupid!

Q. Sounds great! How does it work?
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in. Some areas
   are just for general chatting, and some are for specific interest groups,
   such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who
   Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless
   Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can contain anywhere
   from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2"
   so nobody will know their real identities.

Q. What are their real identities?
A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages, in all
   kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from writers to
   wranglers, from actors to athletes -- you could be talking to almost
   anybody on the Internet!

Q. Really?
A. No. You re almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed 13-year-old
   boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists, singers, etc.

Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?
A. Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic of who
   is entering and leaving the chat area. A secondary, but equally
   fascinating, topic is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace,
   every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed
   13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women. To give you an idea of
   how scintillating the repartee can be, here's a re-creation of a typical
   chat area dialogue (do not read this scintillating repartee while
   operating heavy machinery):

        LilBrisket: Hi everybody
        Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
        Toadster: Hi Bris
        Lungftook: Hi B
        LilBrisket: What's goin' on?
        Toadster: Not much
        Lungftook: Pretty quiet
        (LONGISH PAUSE)
        Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
        LilBrisket: No
        Toadster: Nope
        Lungftook: Sorry
        (LONGISH PAUSE)
        UvulaBob: Hi everybody
        Toadster: Hi UvulaBob
        Lungftook: Hi Uvula
        LilBrisket: Hi UB
        Wazootyman: Hi U
        UvulaBob: What's happening?
        LilBrisket: Kinda slow
        Toadster: Same old same old
        Lungflook: Pretty quiet
        Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
        LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man
        (LONGISH PAUSE)
        Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
        UvulaBob: No.
        (LONGISH PAUSE)
        Lungftook: Well, gotta run.
        Toadster.- 'bye, Lungflook
        LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster
        Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
        UvulaBob: So long, L
        (LONGISH PAUSE)
        PolypMaster: Hi everybody
        LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster
        Toadster: Yo, Polyp
        UvulaBob: Hi, P
        PolypMaster: What's going on?
        LilBrisket: Not much
        Toadster: Pretty quiet
        UvulaBob: Kinda slow ...

   And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour, where the
   ideas flow fast and furious, and at any moment you could learn some
   fascinating nugget of global-network information, such as whether or not
   PolypMaster comes from Texas.

--by Dave Barry