The Rowan Atkinson Devil Sketch


Hello, nice to see you all again.

Now, as the more perceptive of you have probably realized by now - this is
hell, and I am the Devil. Good evening. You can call me Toby, if you
like. We try and keep things informal down here, as well as infernal.
Thats just a little joke.

Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a
sod of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the
end, but for now I'm going to have to split you up into groups.

Are there any questions?  Yeah...?

No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets, if you'd read your bible you
might have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, if you didn't
go before you came then I'm afraid you're not going to enjoy yourself,
but then, I believe that's the idea.

Right, let's split you up then.

Can you all hear me still? CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK?

Ah good, alright, off we go...

Murderers, over here. Thank you.  Looters and pillagers - over there
thieves if you could join them, and bank managers.

Fornicators, if you could step forward - My God there are a lot of
you. Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if
you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine there.  Okay?

AMERICANS, are you here? Yes look, I'm sorry about this, apparently God
had some fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race
into perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormons who He
realizes put in a lot of work.  That's the way the wafer crumbles.

The Iranians, I'm afraid, can't be with us - someone's been holding
them in purgatory for about 9 months.

Sodomites, over there against the wall.

Atheists, atheists, over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch
of charlies.

Christians, christians, ah yes, I'm sorry, I'm afraid the Jews were right.

Moonies, maniacs, marmite eaters, male models, masochists, mass
murderers and masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - with the
Methodists that is.

Now, you're the lot who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I
must remember - I've got some strips to tear off you bastards later.

Everyone who saw Monty Pythons "Life Of Brian", I'm afraid He can't
take a joke after all.

Alright now, one final thing - we're trying to implement some kind of
exchange scheme with the Lord God almighty, or Cliff as we know him.
Some of you will travel up and have a decade in heaven and we're having
some angels down here.  Now, I hardly need tell you that in heaven you
will be expected to behave in an exemplary manner, so, I hope you will
do the exact opposite - tear off their wings, use their haloes for
frisbee practice.

Well, I have to go now unfortunately, but Beelzebul here will show you the
ropes, and the chains, and electrodes.  And I'd just like to leave you with
a favorite joke of mine if I may, quite apt for the circumstances I feel.
It goes something like: knock knock.  Who's there?  Death.  Death wh--...