FIELD GUIDE TO USER IDENTIFICATION IN A UNIVERSITY ENVIRONMENT ------------------------------------------------------------- TYPE 0: The Intelligent Student/Professor ----------------------------------------- Nice, polite, asks smart questions, gets good answers, leaves happy. Population is negligibly small and endangered. TYPE 1: The Clueless Professor, Classification Nice --------------------------------------------------- Nice as anything, they'll come in and expect you to teach them everything about what's going on, what a PPP is, etc. These people usually come armed with the Yellow Legal Pads of Death, on which they write down **EVERYTHING** you say. Including the rude noises. At least they're trying. TYPE 2: The Clueless Student, Classification Nice ------------------------------------------------- A variant of the above, but typically younger and dumber. No legal pads...they usually hang on your every word, then promptly forget what you told them. TYPE 3: The Hopeless Loser -------------------------- When I worked in the computer labs late at night (I was a Chem major, I didn't care if I babysat PCs in order to get paid to sit in a quiet place to work?) we had people who would come in and just talk. They'd ask a computer question and launch off into this big speech about their girlfriend/boyfriend and how much the world sucks and how Auntie Matilda is doing. I once got tied up with one of these for my *whole* four-hour shift...got so bored I started reading the instructions on the back of the screen cleaner bottle and the old VAX manuals we had. :) Thankfully rare. TYPE 4: The Nutcase/Psychopath ------------------------------ Another public lab type; identified by their penchant for destroying equipment. Best dealt with using heavy blunt objects and Campus Security. The latter is not usually the ones wielding the former. :) TYPE 5: The Clueless Student, Classification Nasty -------------------------------------------------- Typically PPP whiners. "My connection's not fast enough, I pay lots of money and expect a fast connection!" Also little rich snobby kids who complain that their new $4000 Lose95 box with $25 Ethernet card doesn't hook into the network right. Or people who bring in 386s or those new souped-up word processors and wonder why they can't Internet like their friends do. They get nasty, abusive and are generally a pain to deal with. TYPE 6: The Clueless Professor, Classification Nasty ---------------------------------------------------- Much much worse than Type 5. this type has an "I'm smarter than you, therefore I know all and you can go [censored]." Makes it kinda hard to want to help them get connected and find stuff on the Web. Tends to get REALLY nasty when you correct them, no matter how gently you do it. Type 7 - Partly-Clued-Up Student, Classification Nasty ------------------------------------------------------ Thinks he knows it all, believes him/herself to be "kewl" because they got RedHat Linux on their PC in less than a dozen attempts (from CD) and therefore think they know how to run a network. Most examples I encounter tend to be MUD players. Typical quote: "At my school, we logged in using our real names." Likes to configure the machines in the labs just like their home machine. Expects you to be impressed when he brags about running the latest toy for techno-lemmings and looks aggrieved when you yawn in his general direction. Tries to impress you with meaningless titles such as webmaster (personal site) or IRC op. Type 8 - Partly-Clued-Up Professor, Classification Nasty -------------------------------------------------------- Thinks he knows it all, believes him/herself to be an "expert" because they got NT on their PC in less than a dozen attempts and therefore think they know how to run a network. Reads the trade papers and demands the latest toys. Goes away and prototypes things, but holds you responsible when they fall over. Annoys senior management as much as he annoys the support squaddies. Type 9 - Parental, Classification Nice (Phone) -------------------------------------------------------- Similar to the nice student classification, expects you to drop everything to help his/her child. Usually clueless, but accepts what you say. Will buy whatever you recommend. If the problem has to be fixed by you, the father has no problem letting a strange guy into his daughter's room 400 miles from home...alone...and at night...on a Saturday. Type 10 - Parental, Classification Nasty (Phone) -------------------------------------------------------- Similar to the nasty student classification, expects you to drop everything to help his/her child. Usually clueless, doesn't accept what you say, besides it is your fault anyways. Will buy whatever is cheapest (anyone hear of a 4com card?). Has telekinetic link with computer; can magically diagnose and repair from 400 miles away (hardware or software).. And if you go near his daughter, he'll hunt you down and kill you slowly.